"What we can mention, we can manage"

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Regarding death, we, as a society, often refuse to even mention the "D" word.

Our inner selves believe that if we don't call for it, death won't touch our lives.

Again, I have terrible news for you: death will touch your life. Either because you WILL die, without any doubt; or someone you love will die.

When it comes to children and grief, we usually expect children to:

• Act and react as adults
• Disregard the death of a loved one because we think they "don't understand" what is going on.

Since 1999, I began working with the bereaved. I learned that if a child is old enough to love, he/she is old enough to grieve.

The child might not acknowledge the death of a close relative or friend, but s/he will recognize that those around him/her are stressed out. Depending the developmental age a child has when facing the death of a loved one, his/her understanding will vary.

I firmly believe that those who work within a school and interact with children, have to be prepared to face - and to offer support to - a grieving child.

If you have been working within the school system and have never had to face a grieving student, you have been very lucky. Or you haven't acknowledge that one of your students was grieving.

Grief is a natural response to a loss, it is not exclusively to death. It might have been that your student lost something material, that is not important to you. It might have happened that your student lost someone important in his/her life because that someone moved. Maybe your student lost the stability of a loving home because his/her parents divorced.

Have you thought of the pain that a certain situation has brought to your student? Have you minimized their grief because their loss is not important to you?

When you are facing the bereaved, the most important thing to remember is: IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU!

Your feelings, your emotions, your thoughts, your experiences do not matter. When you have to offer support to a grieving child, no matter the source of his/her pain, you have to be able to put yourself out of the picture and focus on him/her.

You have to recognize that you don't have the power to make him/her understand what happened, to take his/her pain away, to make things better. The only thing you can do is listen and be there.

I have lived by this principle for the last decade of my life: "There is no excuse for the lack of compassion, not whatsoever"

Ignorance, our own inability to face grief, our selfishness, our problems, the lack of time are no excuses in my book for the lack of compassion. When put in a situation of setting an example for younger ones, the crime is even graver.

It is true: if we can mention a situation, we can work through it and we'll manage. This is a paradigm that we have to learn to live with.

If we can mention death and pain and suffering and grief, we can work through all the feelings, emotions and thoughts they bring and we'll be able to manage.

If we can talk about death and grief with our charges, our students, we'll be able to help them through a trying stage in their lives and we'll manage.

In the case you are unable to mention the above, please, please have someone capable to do so.

There are thousands of resources for grieving children, your obligation is to know them. There is no excuse not to have them.

Please, I beg of you, don't let a child grief alone because you are unable to be a compassionate human being!

The title of this entry was taken from the text written by Linda Goldman, regarding how to help grieving children within the school setting:

http://www.mcdes.org/pdfs/L%20Goldman.Grief%20article.pdf

Pain & Suffering

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To suffer means to undergo, to be subjected to or to endure pain, distress, injury, disadvantage, loss or anything unpleasant.

Suffering in a reality for all human beings. We will all suffer one way or another, and if you believe that you haven't suffer, I have bad news for you: you will!

Another reality of human life is that no one knows how others are suffering. We can imagine it, we can relate to the pain of others, but we will never experience, first hand, others' pain.

Pain means physical suffering or distress; mental or emotional suffering or torment. As you can see, pain can be physical, emotional, psychological or spiritual. It may show in the face of the sufferer, or it will live in the deepest nooks of one's soul.

But not all that are in pain are suffering, have you notice that?

Many people are so used to pain, that they cannot even imagine a pain-free life. Pain is a reality in their lives and they may or may not suffer because of it.

Others, on the contrary, at the minimal pain, suffer to the extreme.

Is their pain different? Yes, but their perception about their pain is different as well. Accordingly, their attitude towards pain is different, so their suffering is as well.

Have you ever stop to think what makes you suffer?

Are you suffering because of the lack of financial security we are all struggling with?

Are you suffering because you hit your big toe on the bed leg?

Are you suffering because you are not finding meaning to your life?

Are you suffering because you are not able to buy that dress you wanted so much, or that car you envy, or the latest mobile phone?

Are you suffering because your spouse left, or is colder towards you, or indifferent?

Are you suffering because you or someone you love has lost their health?

Are you suffering because someone you loved died?

The first step is being honest with yourself and acknowledge the event responsible for your suffering.

Can you do something to change it? If you can, please do it.

If not, is there anyway you might possibly consider let yourself feel the pain?

When we embrace our pain, our suffering decreases significantly.

Platitudes v. Compassion

I would rather feel compassion, that know the meaning of it ~St. Thomas of Aquinas

Käthe Kollwitz, Mothers

Have you heard the word platitude?

Platitude means "a flat, dull, or trite remark, especially one uttered as if it were fresh or profound"

I am sure, you'll have heard many, many of them in your life-time and I promise you've repeated them as well.

Do you think you haven't? Let me give you some examples of what I mean:

• "You are young, you'll survive"
• "You can have more children"
• "At least you have other children"
• "You should be grateful for your other children"
• "He/she is in a better place"
• "Better now than later"
• "Everything happens for a reason"
• "You must have done something terribly wrong"
• "Be strong for your other children (husband, wife, father, mother, etc)"
• "I know exactly how you feel, my dog died last week"
• "God needed another angel"
• "You are doing it great"

Do you get my point?

In my work as a volunteer within MISS, every once in a while, this subject arises with the force of a tsunami. I have heard hundreds of bereaved parents tell how these "innocent" comments hurt their broken hearts.

We've all have heard these"pieces of advice", but have we ever stopped to think what we are implying when we tell someone that is grieving these "words of comfort"?

Compassion, on the other hand, means "a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering". It implies a total immersion on the human condition, the willingness of setting one's presence in the midst of others' deep sorrow and suffering.

When facing the bereaved, we might fear the silence, their pain, their anguish and the anguish their suffering provokes inside us. We might feel the tears building inside of us when they start crying and sobbing. Our worse fear is that the same thing that has happen to them, happens to us.

At this precise moment, our "educated" selves begin saying all those platitudes we've heard over the years.

We have been raised as "problem solvers" and when someone is suffering, we want to "fix" them, to take away their pain.

Compassion is not something we learn in school. We have to accept that being compassionate is harder than we think it is. We need to go inside ourselves and decide that we are willing to walk, hand in hand, with that person that is suffering. We need to accept that we won't be able to take away their pain, but we can make their grief journey less lonely.

The next time you meet someone who is suffering, please, for once, try to be quiet. Let yourself be present at the moment, allow yourself to feel compassion. It is OK to suffer with and for another person... I am sure you'll receive more from that experience than what you think you are able to give to the one in pain.