The story behind...

... "When the Unthinkable Happens: The Death of a Child"

It was 1999 and we have already lost three children and had a blighted ovum pregnancy.

I was grieving so hard and had so many shattered dreams that I did not know what to do with myself. I was teaching US Law, but the rest of the time, I wallowed. 

I spent my time teaching and volunteering for the MISS Foundation, but I truly needed something else to look out of the grief-bubble I was living in.

My dear husband, knowing myself more than I do, told me that he would make a financial effort so I could go back to school. I decided to enroll in a Master program which would help me help others in grief. I was accepted to the Master in Family Sciences program at the Pontifical Institute John Paul II for the Study of Marriage and Family.

On August 1999, I went back to school! I had classes every Thursday and had lots and lots of reading and research during the rest of the week. I can honestly say that I enjoyed every minute of it, though I confess that I had some trouble with psychology. My favorite subjects were theology and philosophy, bioethics and, obviously, law.

In late 2000, we were directed to begin working on our dissertation. By that time, I knew I wanted to write about child death, a topic close to my heart. Not only because of my personal experience, because reaching out to others in grief became my life-line during my worst moments.

I had read many, many books on parental grief by then, all of them in English, but none in Spanish. The lack of validation of my feelings, emotions and thoughts, in my own language was definitely a strong reason to sit down before my computer for hours at a time, after spending many, many hours reading and researching. Thus my self-help writing journey begun.

I began writing about life and death: when does life begin and what are the signs of death. Then I did write about grief and its "stages". The theory of well-define stages and the true mess real grief is. 

I tried to explain to my target audience - bereaved families: moms, dads, siblings and grandparents - what to expect after a child died. I tried to validate all the craziness and the excruciating pain and the deep sorrow and the numbness and the rage and the guilt. 

Then, I tried to tell society in general and extended family, friends, medical personnel, teachers, priests and pastors and rabbis what does help and what does not help the bereaved. Here, I did not only used the extensive biography I had read. I used my experience as a MISS Facilitator, a HOPE Mentor and as a bereaved mom.

I learned along the way that, though society gives parents the "right" to grieve depending the age of the child at the time of death, no matter the age or the cause of death, parental grief has more similarities than differences. I have learned that the bereaved community is compassionate and caring and supporting. 

I have learned so, so much from each and every bereaved mom, dad, brother, sister, grandparent, aunt, uncle, friend that I wish I had the opportunity to thank each one, individually, for being the best of teachers.

I know I say this a lot, but I am truly honored and grateful that I have been given the chance to reach out and share the love and the pain and the MISSing and the remembering of each MISS member and bereaved parent I have met along the way.

Each child has a special place in my heart and I hold each family close in my prayers for gentler days, as it is the only thing, other than listen and be present, that I can do for them.

This book was finished in 2001. Though it spent most of its time since then in a drawer and in my computer's memory, I have added to it now and then. I am finally able to publish the Spanish version on December 2012 and I hope soon, I'll be able to publish the English one. 

Platitudes v. Compassion

I would rather feel compassion, that know the meaning of it ~St. Thomas of Aquinas

Käthe Kollwitz, Mothers

Have you heard the word platitude?

Platitude means "a flat, dull, or trite remark, especially one uttered as if it were fresh or profound"

I am sure, you'll have heard many, many of them in your life-time and I promise you've repeated them as well.

Do you think you haven't? Let me give you some examples of what I mean:

• "You are young, you'll survive"
• "You can have more children"
• "At least you have other children"
• "You should be grateful for your other children"
• "He/she is in a better place"
• "Better now than later"
• "Everything happens for a reason"
• "You must have done something terribly wrong"
• "Be strong for your other children (husband, wife, father, mother, etc)"
• "I know exactly how you feel, my dog died last week"
• "God needed another angel"
• "You are doing it great"

Do you get my point?

In my work as a volunteer within MISS, every once in a while, this subject arises with the force of a tsunami. I have heard hundreds of bereaved parents tell how these "innocent" comments hurt their broken hearts.

We've all have heard these"pieces of advice", but have we ever stopped to think what we are implying when we tell someone that is grieving these "words of comfort"?

Compassion, on the other hand, means "a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering". It implies a total immersion on the human condition, the willingness of setting one's presence in the midst of others' deep sorrow and suffering.

When facing the bereaved, we might fear the silence, their pain, their anguish and the anguish their suffering provokes inside us. We might feel the tears building inside of us when they start crying and sobbing. Our worse fear is that the same thing that has happen to them, happens to us.

At this precise moment, our "educated" selves begin saying all those platitudes we've heard over the years.

We have been raised as "problem solvers" and when someone is suffering, we want to "fix" them, to take away their pain.

Compassion is not something we learn in school. We have to accept that being compassionate is harder than we think it is. We need to go inside ourselves and decide that we are willing to walk, hand in hand, with that person that is suffering. We need to accept that we won't be able to take away their pain, but we can make their grief journey less lonely.

The next time you meet someone who is suffering, please, for once, try to be quiet. Let yourself be present at the moment, allow yourself to feel compassion. It is OK to suffer with and for another person... I am sure you'll receive more from that experience than what you think you are able to give to the one in pain.

My first post

I am blessed to have many gifted friends. Some sing beautifully, some are successful business women, others are excellent moms. All of them are compassionate, caring and loving ladies that I am honored to meet and call friends. But some of them have a blog. I have been inspired by what they write and the way they share their experiences, their thoughts and their emotions.

The idea of having my own blog has been running around my crazy mind during months now. Finally, today, I decided to start blogging.

Let me introduce myself: I am a bereaved mom. My three older children died before their time. I have been blessed with three children on earth. They fill my life with joy and wonderment and so much love it is impossible to describe.

I am also a wife. I have been married for more than a decade to a wonderful, compassionate, loving and decent man. He is the love of my life. Even though I am not an easy person to live with, he has filled my life with laughter and understanding and more love than I can say. He stands by me all the way. I know he does not share all my ideas, but still, he loves me dearly.

I am a devoted Catholic. I was baptized shortly after birth. My parents never were very religious. I became closer to God later, first by reasoning His existence and His relationship with us, as His creatures. After the death of my children, and after many sleepless nights of soul-searching, I finally let Him inside my heart. We are friends and I work hard towards a better relationship with Him.

I am a lawyer and a teacher. These are my hobbies: to study (from my legal point of view) and to share with others what I have learned. Be sure to know that I have learned more from my students than they have learned from me.

I like to read and to write. Life and Death have always intrigued me. If you would take a look at my bookshelves, I am sure you would be amazed of the many topics I like to read, but ever since I was a teen, death has played an important part on those books I call my favorites.

The passion of my life is to reach out to others in grief. The reason I got up in my darkest hours and my lifeline has been The MISS Foundation. Eleven years ago, I was given the opportunity to give back some of the support I received in my early grief. I feel so honored to have met some wonderful people, I am grateful that they have shared their precious children with me and their most deepest feelings and emotions after the death of their children.

What will I write about? I have no idea... Maybe a little bit of this, a little bit of that.