Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Why quit?

Quit smokingImage by acethelegend via Flickr

Today I want to tell you why I am quitting smoking.

Let me set the record straight: I love smoking cigarettes!

I began smoking when I was 18, quitted when I was 24, and started again when I was 34. I have never felt dizzy or nauseous or sick from smoking. Even though my dh doesn't believe me, I love the taste of my menthol cigarettes, although I am not a fan of the lingering smell.

When I retook the habit, at 34, I had my three living children at home. I didn't want to set a bad example for them, so I only smoked when they were all in bed, outside our home and quickly, afterward, I brushed my teeth, washed my hands and face and changed into my pj's.

I thought I could keep it like that for a long time. Of course, I forgot that children are smarter than we give them credit for, so baby boy knew I was smoking. So, I decided to stop hiding from them the fact that I smoked, but still tried to keep them from inhaling second-hand smoke.

Once they knew, I began to smoke more, although I did it in our yard.

When they began asking me why I smoked, I answered them as honestly as possible: "because sometimes mommy does foolish things and smoking is foolish". The explanation got to: "because I am stupid."

I might have been 35 or 36 when my children asked me to stop smoking. I don't think they knew the consequences of my actions, but I am sure they hated the stench of it. It was so easy for me to tell them back then that I would quit when I turned 40.

The fatal day began to approach and I tried my best to get out of my promise, but in my heart of hearts I knew that would be a very bad thing to do.

I am supposed to make of my children good people. Trustworthy, honest, decent, loyal, respectful, healthy adults. I couldn't face them if I begin breaking my promises to them, mainly if they remembered so vividly a promise I made them.

They witnessed my struggles to make up my mind. They have watched me getting as healthy as possible before quitting and they were there when I smoked my last cigarettes and threw the rest of the pack away for good.

They saw me putting a nicotine patch the first two days and me being sick as hell and they knew I threw the rest of the box away.

I have been truthful with them when they ask if I am having a hard time without smoking. They have noticed some changes in my daily habits, mainly those that involved me getting outside and light up a cigarette.

I have explained them that my mood swings have nothing (well, almost nothing) to do with them, but I am struggling to quit.

I hope that they learn that we cannot always do what we feel like doing, because somethings are bad for us. I hope they learn that will power is more important than anything to get what you want and were you want.

I hope they know that I love them with all my heart and that I am doing my best to be the best person and the best mom I can be.

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