Thoughts on life and death... and everything in between

Facing our demons: Children and Death

2012-01-21T11:35:00.006-06:00

On December 26th, a tragedy happened:

A family of four were enjoying their time together, when suddenly, the mom fainted. Everything was done to bring her back. Nothing helped: she died of a pulmonary embolism in the prime of her life. She left a loving husband and two beautiful daughters, ages 7 and 4.

I know of this tragic event, because one of my daughters is a classmate of the older girl.

As my girls attend a Catholic school, I thought things were going to be handled well. How wrong I was!

The first Friday after classes resumed, they celebrated a Mass in memory of this loving, beautiful wife and mom. Sadly, the school principal didn't consider necessary for the girls' classmates to attend. I understand the 4 year old children would be difficult to manage, but the 2nd grade students couldn't be there?

Her excuse: the lack of space inside the school chapel.
The truth: there was space enough for 40+ little girls to attend and learn how to be compassionate and caring towards a suffering friend, but someone was not facing their demons and their lack to be compassionate.

Last Wednesday's afternoon, I got an email from the school administrators letting me know that my little girl HAD - as it already had happened -attended a class with the school chaplain in which they talked about the tragedy that happen upon this beautiful family.

Now, let me get this right. I am not opposed to the fact that the school chaplain, which is a beautiful, compassionate, intelligent man spoke with my girl and her classmates about death.

What makes me mad beyond words is the fact that they did it without letting us parents know, beforehand, the nature of the class and its contents!!!!

I wouldn't be angrier if they spoke about pornography to my children without letting me know first. I wouldn't be more upset if they spoke about masturbation to my 8 year old girl!

How dare they violate my primary right, as a mother, to be the first to talk about this life-altering subject to my own child?

As many adults of my generation, I was brought up in a culture that thinks that because we do not talk about death, we can keep it at bay. A society that keeps death closeted in a sterile hospital and then in closed coffin and expects us to mourn and grieve in a "well-bread" way: avoiding others feeling discomfited because our open display of emotions.

We expect our children to understand it quickly and quietly and then, move on with their lives, happy and carefree as they were before the reality of life got the best of their childhood.

Well, let me tell you something: death is the only reality that we know, for sure, we will face. We tend not to think about it because we fear it. I do believe that we fear more the death of those we love that our own death, but still, we fear it all the same.

I have bad news for you: Death is a messy thing. Mourning and grief are messier. When a loved one dies, part of our own life dies as well. The loss might be unbearable; the pain, excruciating.

Our life changes radically: nothing will be the same as it was before. We need the time and space to face what happened, to work through our thoughts, feelings and emotions. Probably, our physical health might be compromised for a time being.

As we embark on our grief journey, we need all the help we can get, although we might not even be aware that we need it.

The grief we face after the death of a loved one does not resolve itself in a couple of months, or even in a couple of years. We need to be aware of this reality and make the best of it. This is what makes us stronger. As in the case of these little girls, they will revisit their grief over their loving mommy's death over and over, as they grow up and understand it in a different light and when significant events in their lives take place.

Now, I strongly believe that compassion is a learned human virtue. We are used to think that because we are human, we are compassionate. Well, I am sorry to disappoint you. Instinctually, we avoid pain. Even the one others suffer. When we see others in pain, we cringe inside either because it hurts us seeing another in pain or because it reminds us that it could be me the one that suffers.

Compassion has to be taught. The best way to teach it is with our example. It the case of the classmates of these girls, the school - being a Catholic school, staving to make good, virtuous women of all their student - lost a golden opportunity. They should have been present on that Mass. Lending their loving presence and strength to that friend that needed to feel surrounded by love and understanding.

Now, back to the other charge I lay here. Another golden opportunity was lost as well. I believe that trying to explain death to those little girls, considering their developmental stage and opening a trusting communication channel is an honor that should be cherished.

I confess I am a devout Catholic. This fact does not blind me to the need to understand things in a human, rational plain, and then elevate them to the theological point of view.

How easy is to talk about God's will when you are not in pain! How easy is to tell other to accept God's will when your loved ones are alive, happy and healthy!

I, as a parent, was wrongly deprived of my primary right to educate my girl about the truth of death. What is left to me is to pick up the pieces and try to make the best of it, and correct all the misconceptions my girl got last Wednesday, with all the lack of information I have because the school didn't gave us parents the content of that class and I have to work from what my 8 year old girl understood or misunderstood.

Even though, my area of expertise is parental grief, I do understand grief, as a 13 year old volunteer to The MISS Foundation.

I have read many, many books regarding children and teen grief.

I have had to work hard through my own misconceptions about death and my own complicated grief over the death of a beloved grandparent, as I did as society expected me to do at the time of his death and never got the chance of grieving his tragic death in a healthy way.

I have had the honor to walk along others through their grief journeys after the untimely death of their loving children. I have seen the consequences of bad death education and its repercussions in the grieving process, complicating the very difficult grief journey of a bereaved parent.

So, don't you think it is time to face our own demons in order to help others in need? Don't you think it is time to face yourself in the mirror and accept your limitations? Don't you think it is time to accept we can make mistakes, and even with the best of intentions, hurt others in need?

I urge all of you to look inside yourself. I urge you see if your incapacity to face pain and suffering is affecting others, is challenging your ability to educate and care for those you should teach how to be better.

I invite you to accept the reality of death in your own life. I invite you to face the fact that death will touch each and everyone of us, one way or another. I invite you to deal with your demons and be there, be really there, for those close to you that are in grief.

If, after looking inside yourself, you are brave enough to acknowledge that you don't have it in you to be there, please, I beg of you, look for someone who can lend the support you are unable to lend. It is nothing wrong with this. I applaud your honesty and bravery!

I wish, with all my heat and soul, that non of you were to feel the pain and grief of loosing a loved one to death. I wish, with all my heart, that I had the ability to shelter you from grief. Sadly, I know I can't.

If you have a moment, please say a little prayer for the family I told you about. Please say a little prayer for all the families that are going through the terrible tragedy of the death of a loved one. Thanks.

Happy birthday Jane!!!!

2011-12-16T17:31:00.003-06:00

Image via WikipediaToday, December 16, 2011, is Jane Austen's birthday. She was born 236 years ago.

I can honestly say that I read her novels a couple of years ago. I downloaded her books for free on my Kindle. I can truly say that I got hooked. I became an Austen fan in my late thirties.

Since then, I can tell you that I have read every prequel, sequel and variation that has been written.

I am an avid reader. I read about a book a day, some days, even more! I download most of my novels, but when I don't find anything new to read, I always go back to one of Miss Austen books.

My husband makes fun of me every time I am engrossed in one of Austen-inspired books. I honestly believe he thinks I've lost my mind. He wonders how can I spend so much time with the same characters.

How? Because they are wonderful! She created amazing characters and some of the authors that have continued their stories have done a beautiful job.

So today, after so, so many months of absence from my blog, I am coming back to thank Miss Austen for her novels, for giving me - and thousands others - hours of joy, pain and sorrow with her beloved characters.

Happy birthday Jane!

By the way...

Take the Quiz here!

The real meaning of Mother's Day...

2011-05-10T11:21:00.005-05:00

Image by Gabludlow via Flickr

To all mothers whose children died before their time...

I decided to come out of the closet: I hate Mother's Day!

I know "hate" is a strong word, but I really do hate the date. Why? Because it has become a Hallmark holiday. Because I don't need a special day to tell my mom I love her. Because I don't like how consumerism force my children into feeling bad if they don't "give" me a gift to show me their love. Because I don't need a special day to go out and eat with my family.

OK, I admit that the date has become more of a nuisance since my oldest baby died. But I can honestly say that I don't like the date at all, even now when I have three living children that fill my days with love and my arms with their hugs.

I don't need flowers or gifts to know I am appreciated by my children and my husband. I don't want them to feel obligated to do something special for me on a set date. I appreciate their small gestures everyday, those are the ones that let me know that I am loved.

So, back to the title of today's post. I am here quoting my dear friend Kara, from whose blog I copy the following:

In 1870, Julia Ward Howe wrote and published a protest against the carnage and violence of the Civil War -- this was a protest led by WOMEN WHO HAD LOST THEIR SONS!!!!! It was bereaved mothers who started this!!!! Hallmark is WAY OFF the mark with the way this holiday is commercialized and propagated now, BUT in the beginning, this was a day of protest, an expression of horrified grief from bereaved mothers who were parted from their sons!! Wow. Okay. That's a different spin.

So what did Julia have to say back in 1870? You read and see for yourself:
Arise, then, women of this day! Arise all women who have hearts, whether our baptism be that of water or of fears!

Say firmly: "We will not have great questions decided by irrelevant agencies. Our husbands shall not come to us, reeking with carnage, for caresses and applause. Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn all that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.

We women of one country will be too tender of those of another country to allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs. From the bosom of the devastated earth a voice goes up with our own. It says "Disarm, Disarm! The sword of murder is not the balance of justice."

Blood does not wipe our dishonor nor violence indicate possession. As men have often forsaken the plow and the anvil at the summons of war, let women now leave all that may be left of home for a great and earnest day of counsel. Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.

Let them then solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means whereby the great human family can live in peace, each bearing after their own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar, but of God.

In the name of womanhood and of humanity, I earnestly ask that a general congress of women without limit of nationality may be appointed and held at some place deemed most convenient and at the earliest period consistent with its objects, to promote the alliance of the different nationalities, the amicable settlement of international questions, the great and general interests of peace.

Julia Ward Howe
Boston
1870

You see? Mother's Day is about those women that lost their children to death. It is not about gifts, flowers, small appliances and cards. Is about compassion and love... Love that survives beyond death.

Why quit?

2010-11-30T11:34:00.004-06:00

Image by acethelegend via Flickr

Today I want to tell you why I am quitting smoking.

Let me set the record straight: I love smoking cigarettes!

I began smoking when I was 18, quitted when I was 24, and started again when I was 34. I have never felt dizzy or nauseous or sick from smoking. Even though my dh doesn't believe me, I love the taste of my menthol cigarettes, although I am not a fan of the lingering smell.

When I retook the habit, at 34, I had my three living children at home. I didn't want to set a bad example for them, so I only smoked when they were all in bed, outside our home and quickly, afterward, I brushed my teeth, washed my hands and face and changed into my pj's.

I thought I could keep it like that for a long time. Of course, I forgot that children are smarter than we give them credit for, so baby boy knew I was smoking. So, I decided to stop hiding from them the fact that I smoked, but still tried to keep them from inhaling second-hand smoke.

Once they knew, I began to smoke more, although I did it in our yard.

When they began asking me why I smoked, I answered them as honestly as possible: "because sometimes mommy does foolish things and smoking is foolish". The explanation got to: "because I am stupid."

I might have been 35 or 36 when my children asked me to stop smoking. I don't think they knew the consequences of my actions, but I am sure they hated the stench of it. It was so easy for me to tell them back then that I would quit when I turned 40.

The fatal day began to approach and I tried my best to get out of my promise, but in my heart of hearts I knew that would be a very bad thing to do.

I am supposed to make of my children good people. Trustworthy, honest, decent, loyal, respectful, healthy adults. I couldn't face them if I begin breaking my promises to them, mainly if they remembered so vividly a promise I made them.

They witnessed my struggles to make up my mind. They have watched me getting as healthy as possible before quitting and they were there when I smoked my last cigarettes and threw the rest of the pack away for good.

They saw me putting a nicotine patch the first two days and me being sick as hell and they knew I threw the rest of the box away.

I have been truthful with them when they ask if I am having a hard time without smoking. They have noticed some changes in my daily habits, mainly those that involved me getting outside and light up a cigarette.

I have explained them that my mood swings have nothing (well, almost nothing) to do with them, but I am struggling to quit.

I hope that they learn that we cannot always do what we feel like doing, because somethings are bad for us. I hope they learn that will power is more important than anything to get what you want and were you want.

I hope they know that I love them with all my heart and that I am doing my best to be the best person and the best mom I can be.

Position Statement of the MISS Foundation regarding "Pregnancy Loss" Campaigns

2010-10-02T12:51:00.005-05:00

Position Statement of the MISS Foundation
Regarding "Pregnancy Loss" Campaigns

Co-Authors, Dr. Joanne Cacciatore & Kara LC Jones

Whatever is unnamed, undepicted in images,

whatever is omitted from biography,

censored in collections of letters,

whatever is misnamed as something else, made

difficult-to-come-by,

whatever is buried in the memory

by the collapse of meaning under

an inadequate or lying language –

this will become, not merely unspoken,

but unspeakable.

-Adrienne Rich

Definitions for purposes of this document:

Stillbirth: The intrauterine death of a baby after twenty completed gestational weeks until birth. Stillbirth is always a naturally occurring event and often occurs at or near full term for no apparent reason.

Miscarriage: The intrauterine end of a pregnancy anytime from conception to twenty completed gestational weeks. Miscarriages are also spontaneous, naturally occurring and unpreventable events.

Qui tacet consentit:

In response to the promulgation of the term “Pregnancy Loss” used in Awareness Campaigns:

The MISS Foundation has been asked its position on the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Campaigns. Several years ago, after careful consideration with the bereaved parents advisory board, the MISS Foundation made an executive decision for our organization not to utilize the term “pregnancy and infant loss,” but rather recognize October as Infant & Child Death Awareness Month.

We use this language to describe all the awareness campaigning we do for the month of October and on the day of October 15th.

The key reason relates to the use of the vernacular "pregnancy loss" when addressing the issue of a sudden, intrauterine death of a child. Language chosen to describe social problems is very powerful. Historically, euphemisms are used to sanitize social problems. Yet, if we do not call it what it is, in the case of stillbirth, the birth of a dead baby, society will never pause to pay attention and the 'cause' will take longer to establish firm roots and gather the necessary support for research and improvements in care. For most of our members, the use of the phrase “pregnancy loss” was not an acceptable description of their personal, traumatic losses. Rather, the language, for them, felt dismissive. In dissecting the phrase, there is an inference that a child, in fact, did not die. Rather that a pregnancy was "lost." For many women, the phrase decries and derogates their very personal tragedies: they did not lose a pregnancy. Their babies died.

We also found that even some women who have experienced the loss of a child to miscarriage also reported feeling offended by the term “pregnancy loss.” Author and artist Kara LC Jones says, “I did not lose my children or my state of pregnancy in a crowd. With my stillborn son, I had a c-section. With my miscarried son, I was in full, natural labor for two days before he was born. When I chose to raise awareness about the life, death, grief experiences, I wanted to use a term that gave full gravity to what happened. Infant & Child Death Awareness expresses my experience, because so much more happened here that is deserving of honest language.”

Scientists illuminate some important factors to consider when addressing the issue of perinatal death:

1. Loss is complex. The responses to loss are even more complex. Bowlby’s theory posits a continuum of responses seen in parents who lose children to death more closely associated with the degree of attachment than "time" spent with a child. In other words, quality of the attachment not quantity of the attachment informs the psychological responses of the bereaved. Ambiguous losses (Boss, 1994) may incite "complicated mourning" and these are often the most difficult to resolve. There isn't 'more love or attachment,' rather, mixed or ambiguous emotions, either from internal or external sources (meaning that often society assigns taboos and stigma to some losses), that exacerbate the parent's response (they know they feel overwhelmed, bereaved, and desperate but may not feel their feelings or loss are acknowledged and they struggle for validation from the 'social group' which they often do not receive). These are often disenfranchised losses such the death of a "less than perfect child," AIDS deaths, deaths by suicide, stillbirths, and even some highly conflicted relationships that end in death.

2. Stillbirth has been empirically demonstrated to evoke strong and enduring psychological distress and emotional responses in women, similar to any child's death. In addition, there is a physiological paradox stemming from the many physiological responses that occur during the final trimester of pregnancy and in the postpartum period to prepare the woman's body to give birth and to facilitate the many changes that occur, including pain receptor preparation. These nuances coupled with the final outcome, a dead baby, at the end of the birth process, seems to incite an impasse for many women. Her body knows she gave birth and responds accordingly however there is no baby.

3. Miscarriages evoke a variety of responses in scientific data. The continuum ranges from grief responses similar to any child's death to little or no grief responses. There are many hypotheses in the scientific world about this phenomenon. One posits that women who conceive easily and are younger handle early miscarriages "better." Thus, older mothers or the women who endured years of infertility might respond differently. Some studies demonstrate that women with unplanned pregnancies who miscarry report feeling "relieved". Other women who were not particularly trying to conceive but who were happy with the pregnancy appear to be somewhere in the middle of the continuum. Another hypothesis has to do with spiritual beliefs about when life begins. For women who believe enthusiastically that life begins at the moment of conception, the miscarriage, at any stage, is the death of their child. For another woman who may not hold the same spiritual values, or who may not "attach" early in the pregnancy, the miscarriage may be viewed as a "pregnancy loss" and not the death of a child. Yet, even in these studies, there are varying responses.

Because love and loss are so nuanced and complicated, and because language is so powerful, the MISS Foundation chooses to channel its energy into campaigns that align with our philosophies about supporting women, men, and children after the death of a child at any age and from any cause.

Indeed, love – and sometimes predictive grief- are not always measurable in a scientific test.

There is never a good age or a good time to lose a child to death. Whether at birth, one year, ten years, thirty years, or sixty years, it is simply out of life's natural order. Simply, the death of a beloved child is life's most painful experience of suffering.

This is the cornerstone principle of the MISS Foundation.

Do not reprint or reproduce any portion of this document without prior written permission.

Reproduced with permission.

Banned-books week?

2010-10-01T09:22:00.005-05:00

Image by DML East Branch via Flickr

"Who kills a man kills a reasonable creature, God's image, but thee who destroys a good book, kills reason its self."
John Milton

Yesterday, my dear friend Kara posted of FB about "Banned-books week".

My first thought was incredulity. Am I in the 15th Century? Are people burning books somewhere and I didn't get notified?

Kara sent me this link:

http://www.banned-books.com/

I have been reading it and found that authors such as Mark Twain, William Shakespeare, Ernest Hemingway, Carlos Fuentes, J.K. Rowling, Maya Angelou, Honoré de Balzac, James Joyce, Nathaniel Hawthorne, George Bernard Shaw, Alexandr Solzhenitsyn, J.R.R. Tolkien, Gabriel García Márquez, among others have been banned.

I love to read. I usually read anything that falls into my hands, being a paper, old-fashion book or an e-book.

I have read great books and I have read rubbish. I have read theology and philosophy books that are real jewels in my book collection, and I have read things that deserve to be in a trash can.

But that is MY opinion on what I have read. I can share it with the people around me. I can recommend a book or say that it is not worth 5 minutes of your time. But who am I to ban a book?

I am now rereading Harry Potter and the Deadly Hallows, just to get in the mood for the release of the first part of the same-name movie. I learned yesterday, that I am the greatest fan of a banned book and that I have read it to my kids, does that make me a criminal, an unsuited parent?

So, as my dear friend Kara asked: what are you going to read to protest against banned books week?

Gratitude

2010-09-28T13:24:00.004-05:00

Image by Swamibu via Flickr

Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others. Cicero

Gratitude is defined by the Webster's Dictionary as "a feeling of thankful appreciation for favors or benefits received; thankfulness"

Sometimes in life, feeling gratitude is hard.

Personally, when my children died, I couldn't find anything to be grateful for. I felt robbed, I felt cheated by life, by God, by my own body. Of course, bitterness took over and I had to work hard to understand that I still had a lot of things to be thankful.

I started trying to find 5 things to be grateful each week: less than one thing per day.

I have made a daily commitment with myself: I try to find 5 things, at the end of the day, to be thankful for.

Somedays I find it hard and I really have to work towards my goal. Other days, gratitude comes easy and at night, my list is much longer than I imagined it could be.

For example, yesterday I was specially thankful for:

Being alive surrounded by my healthy, happy loved ones
Baby pup is recovering from surgery OK
My brother found a new home to lease and he's moving his family in at the end of the week
Both girls loved their meal and ate better than other days
Big boy had a great afternoon and evening: he did his homework soon and then was able to go to soccer training

I invite you to do this exercise. You'll notice that your view of life will improve considerably.

The Death and Life of Charlie St. Cloud.

2010-09-24T13:52:00.007-05:00

Cover of Charlie St. Cloud: A Novel

The Death and Life of Charlie St. Cloud, by Ben Sherwood, is one of the books I read this summer.

The book description says: "... tells the haunting story of a young man who narrowly survives a terrible car wreck that kills his little brother. Years later, the brothers' bond remains so strong that it transcends the normal boundaries separating life and death... By day he (Charlie) tends the lawns and monuments of the ancient cemetery where his younger brother, Sam, is buried. Graced with an extraordinary gift after surviving the accident, he can still see, talk, and even play catch with Sam's spirit...

"... Luminous, soulful, and filled with unforgettable characters, The Death and Life of Charlie St. Cloud is one of those rare, wise books that reveal the mysteries of the unseen world around us, gently transforming the worst pain of loss into hope, healing, and even laughter. Suspenseful and deeply moving, its startling climax reminds un that sometimes tragedies can bring about miracles if we simply open our hearts."

As many of you might remember, I have had the honor of working with bereaved parents for a little more than 11 years through volunteering at The MISS Foundation.

"Death and Life", that is how parental bereavement feels like. We die when our child dies and we, then, learn to live a new life that is robbed of present and future, a new life that is filled with pain and sorrow, a new life that has many, many lessons and gifts to offer, as we open our hearts and souls and minds to listen, to find healing and peace and happiness again.

I've heard how many are afraid of forgetting their precious children. How people tell them that they should "let go", so their babies are able to "rest in peace". How they wished they could see, talk, hug and kiss their beautiful children one more time.

I have leaned from my own personal experience and from the wisdom shared by many that walk their own grief journey along with me, that parenting a dead child is possible.

We are able to transcend the physical realm to parent our dead child. How?

It is not easy, as we live and communicate through our bodies. The first urge a new mom has is to hug and cuddle her precious newborn. We, as bereaved parents, are not able to do so; but we can still hug them and kiss them in our hearts.

How I wish I had the power to give each and every bereaved parent a gift like Charlie's? How I wish they could find the way to talk and play and hug and kiss their precious little ones? Sadly, I can't.

The only power I have is the one my choices give me:

I chose to be present and willingly walk the grief journey of those that allow me to walk with them.

To lend a hand.

To know those precious children through the loving eyes of their courageous parents.

To do my best in the time I have on earth, to be worthy of finally hug and kiss and love my children to eternity.

Summer readings

2010-09-23T10:42:00.003-05:00

Image via Wikipedia

After a hard, difficult year, I decided to give myself a present: a Kindle.

I bought it during the summer and it has been my constant companion ever since. It's perfect size, makes it easy for me to carry it around in my purse.

I have purchased some good books and have downloaded a lot of free ones.

I read new books from my favorite authors and got some recommendations from good readers.

I have also read some useless novels that were free, but I have enjoyed them for what they were: summer readings.

I've never read inspirational novels, but I did. Some were good enough to have in mind when my girls get older. Others were just rubbish.

In a matter of days, I read the complete collection of Jane Austen's writings. Can you believe that I never read them before?

I got a great book on suicide, specially written for survivors. Yes, I know. I am "obsessed" with death and grief and pain - as my husband says - but that is the way I am.

Currently, I am reading a book on sexuality called "What's love got to do with it?" by John T. Chirban. My kids are reaching pre-puberty and I need to be prepared, don't you think?

If you have any good books to recommend, please send me an email.

Haven't been around

2010-09-23T10:31:00.002-05:00

This is my first post since March.

After my friend Christa died, I have been in a blur.

In just one second, life changes dramatically. I have been trying to live in the real world.

I have tried to be more present for my children. I have read a lot. By a lot, I mean 46 books during the summer.

I try to be outdoors more and are committed to stop smoking this year.

So, I am back.

Thirteen years

2010-04-06T14:26:00.002-05:00

Image by spiderflux via Flickr

Grief changes shape,
but it never ends.

-Keanu Reeves

I remember April 6th, 1997 as if it was yesterday.

My husband had been gone for 2 weeks in a trip and I was pregnant with our first baby. I was at the beginning of the second trimester.

My mom picked me up early that day. We went to buy flowers and she helped me to fill our small condo with them. We had lunch together and we made plans for the little one I was expecting. We talked about what I would do when he was born, I was still teaching at a Law School and I was planning to leave him with her while at school.

She left me in the evening and I got ready to pick my husband at the airport.

I bought some water and sat down waiting for his plane to land. I went to the bathroom and noticed the red blood.

I called my ob-gyn and he said to stay put and called him the next day if I was still bleeding.

The bleeding got heavier. I remember watching my husband arrive and walking as slow as possible. The tears began to flow as I told him what was happening. His excited face turned into horror.

We went home and we called the doctor again. He prescribed some hormones. My husband went to buy them. They did the trick.

Around 4:00 am, I felt the urge to run the bathroom. There was blood everywhere. I called my husband and we called the doctor again.

He saw us around 7:00 am. He did an ultrasound, there was nothing left of our baby.

I was numb. We went to the movies, not wanting to think or to feel. Avoiding reality the best we could.

I cried my eyes out that day.

The next day, my husband went to work and I the pain started. I couldn't breathe. I called him and my mom. I don't know who called the dr.

I was rushed to the hospital and had a D&C done that afternoon. Part of the placenta was responsible for the labor pains I experienced. We learned from it that we lost our dear son.

Thirteen years have passed since that tragedy.

Dearest Cesar, you are always in my heart and in my mind. I love you beyond death and I MISS you beyond words. Until we meet again my dear one.

Christa Bowen (1975 - 2010)

2010-03-24T16:12:00.006-05:00

Image by Walt Jabsco via Flickr

Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.

William Faulkner

Last Wednesday, I received a tragic email. I was sitting with my big boy, reading a book, when the light in my Blackberry began blinking. He noticed first and I read the message.

It stated that one of my MISSters, Christa Bown, died two days prior.

As shock numb my mind, I raced downstairs to call Dr. Joanne Cacciatore, CEO and founder of The MISS Foundation. I just needed to hear her voice, sobbing, to know that it was true.

She was 35. She was exiting the parking lot of a grocery store when she was killed in a car crash. A senseless tragedy, without a doubt.

I met Christa many years ago. I was already a moderator for The MISS Foundation Online Support Groups when she joined. Her precious daughters, Caitlyn and Alexa died.

I remember her excruciating pain. She loved her girls so much. I was honored to know those precious little girls through their loving mom.

Even when she was in the pit, she would always reach out to others. Her compassion never lessened.

Then she became pregnant with her twins, Tyler and Austin. Her joy for having her baby boys in her arms was palpable through her words. Each shared milestone, each anecdote brought a smile to my face.

Christa had a great sense of humor. Her wit made me laugh so hard, she brightened many of my days.

Christa was a great friend. She was always there for me, even though we never met in person. But we knew each other. We shared the worst pain and the merriest joy. We sat in the pit together and then helped each other out of the hole of sorrow. Our grief over the death of our children formed an unbreakable bond between us.

She reached out to others in grief more than 9 500 times on the MISS Support Groups, plus many, many times in a more private way.

She was a thoughtful and caring friend. I cannot imagine anyone that knew her, didn't got transformed by that little, intelligent, loving, blonde beauty.

I know she touched my life in a profound way. I am a better person because of her.

As John Taylor said: While we are mourning the loss of our friend, others are rejoicing to meet her behind the veil.

I know she now holds her precious girls in her loving arms, forever.

I am certain that many, many precious children gathered together to greet her.

Dearest Christa, thank YOU for touching my life, for being my friend. You will always be loved and MISSed. Rest in peace.

Friendship

2009-12-31T13:36:00.002-06:00

Image by gilderic via Flickr

We spent Christmas with my brother and his lovely family.

We left their home and their company on the 26th, to Eastern Texas, to our second home.

Big boy has been obsessed asking his dad and I about our friends from each stage of our life.

We were sharing with our kids about friendship and the different friends we've made along the way.

I told him about my elementary school friends, some of whom I am blessed to still be friends with as we have continued our friendship through life. They have shared my best and my worst. Our lives have moved to different directions, but we still have that special connection of knowing each other for more than three decades.

I also shared that I made beautiful friends during my ballet years. I haven't seen them, but I hold them close to my heart.

Then we moved to Law School friends. Dh and I share many from those years as we went together to Law School. My dear friend Tere now lives in Spain and my dear friend María José lives in the same city, but family life has gotten in the way of us meeting more frequently, although we love each other dearly.

We talked about some of their friends' moms, whom have become friends of mine. We have shared watching our own children grow and blossom. We share many values that we want to pass on to our children and friendship helps.

We arrived home. There, on our mailbox, was a little box for me. I opened it and I found a beautiful angel ornament from my dear friend Sharon. Even though the lateness of the hour, I still had to share more about my friends with my children.

I have met the most amazing women and men through grief. The death of my own children placed me in a sub-culture no one wants to belong to. I was to reach out in pain and met the most wonderful people on earth.

I had to talk about my MISS friends. I am blessed to have met many of them. Still, I haven't met - face to face - most of them. These are the most compassionate, loving people you could ever meet. We have shared the worst pain we have experienced and we are there for each other. We would willingly through ourselves into the pit of sorrow, to cyber-hold each other hand and slowly and gently get out of there to face another day.

Together, we have learned to take one day at a time, sometimes, just remember to breath in and breath out.

We have learned to live life again, even amidst the pain. We have learned to laugh and enjoy our time on earth the best way we can.

We share grief and rage and happiness and memories. But most important of all, we share our beautiful children.

I know I have said this before, but I am honored beyond words to have met these great children through the eyes of their loving parents.

It was time to go to bed. The children were yawning and tired.

Thank you, thank YOU my dear friends for making my life better. Thank YOU for filling it with love and compassion and grief and joy. Thank YOU for still being there for me, after all these years.

Thank YOU Sharon, this post is dedicated to the beautiful memory of smiling, gorgeous Shelby.

Memories...

2009-12-13T16:44:00.003-06:00

Image by max's pixs via Flickr

Yesterday, my godson received his first communion. His parents celebrated their 11th wedding anniversary.

Eleven years ago, I was not able to attend their wedding. I was left in the US, waiting for my baby to leave my body by her own. The doctor decided that it was safer to be nearby in case I went into labor.

As we were celebrating as a family to joyous occasions, I could not help traveling through memory lane.

My husband came back for his brother's wedding and my mom traveled to be with me in case I needed to go to the hospital.

That day the genetic specialist called and gave me our diagnosis. I needed my dh to be by my side, and I couldn't tell my mom what I had learned.

I was my baby girl's tomb and life seemed not worth living.

As I wrote on my last post, I survived the pain and the sorrow, and eleven years later I am a better person because of my dead children.

Today is National Children Memorial Day: a worldwide event to remember all those precious children that died before their time.

No matter where you live. Please lit a candle at 7:00pm so during 24 hours, all around the world, candles burn in memory of the children that are loved, MISSed and that make this world a better place to live in.

Time goes on... and so does life

2009-12-03T17:43:00.002-06:00

Image by massdistraction via Flickr

Eleven years ago yesterday, I woke up in the middle of the night with the gut feeling that my baby had died.

One week before, we had a successful ultrasound. The baby was healthy and thriving. Its little heart was beating fast and we were ecstatic.

I remember waking up my husband and telling him that I knew the baby had died. I had the urgency of picking up a name: for a boy, José Luis; for a girl, Carlota.

He told me to make an appointment for another ultrasound as soon as the doctor was open, and so I did. At 1:00 pm, we found out that our baby had died. She measured exactly the gestational age she was supposed to be.

In a blur, I went home and packed, and my husband made reservation to fly as soon as possible to our US doctor.

Today, eleven years ago, our worst nightmare was confirmed: our baby died. She had a neurotubal defect that claimed her life.

We spent together the next 20 days. I was not ready to let her go, even though I knew she was already gone. During those days, we had so many tests and exams done, that most of our time was spent at the hospital.

Finally, on December 22, I decided to have surgery to end my pregnancy.

I never got to see her or hold her. Her little body did not survive spending 20 days dead, nor the surgery.

We later found that she was a girl: thus Carlota was named.

Nobody remembered her yesterday, except me and my MISS friends. I am used now to the forgetfulness around me.

My body remembered in a not-so-funny way. I came down with bronchitis and laryngitis a week ago. Our bodies always remember those horrible, tragic moments, even if our minds try to block it out.

Eleven years ago, I was sure I would not survive the pain and sorrow of loosing my baby girl and her brother and sister, in less than 2 years. I thought I would die of sadness....

... Eleven years later, I am a survivor. I enjoy life -most of the time- to be honest. I love those three children that were given to me to be raised, they feel my life with joy and wonder. I love my husband more than I did back then. I am honored to have known so many wonderful children, whose lives ended before their time, through their loving parents' eyes.

Sweet girl, you will always, always be loved and MISSed. No matter how long I live, I will always remember you. Thank you for choosing me to be your mommy, you and your siblings have been the greatest teachers one could hope for.

When in doubt...

2009-11-15T15:41:00.003-06:00

Image via Wikipedia

There is a principle in moral and ethics that states: "when in doubt, don't act".

I have found to exceptions to this principle. Both in Canon Law, regarding the Sacraments of Baptism and Anointment of the Sick.

If there is the slightest possibility that the person who will receive the Sacrament is dead, it is better to administer the sacrament instead of not doing so.

I believe that the same exception applies to compassion.

If you think that the person needs your support, please reach out. It is better to be told not to do so, or that there is no need to be compassionate, than leave a needed person alone.

When working with bereaved parents, we are trained to watch their body language and look for the signs to approach them in a more personal level.

In my experience, a hug is always better than leaving them alone. If you are not comfortable hugging, maybe you could reach out squeezing their arm or patting their back.

When in doubt, never, ever leave someone in pain by themselves.

Center for Loss and Trauma - MISS Press Release

2009-11-14T12:34:00.003-06:00

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

November 16, 2009

CONTACT: Dr. Joanne Cacciatore: 602.574.1000 or Katherine Sandler: 480.861.7511

MISS Foundation Helps Traumatized Families in the Center for Loss and Trauma

Phoenix, Arizona (November 16, 2009) --- The MISS Foundation, through the Center for Loss and Trauma, is opening their doors to help families suffering traumatic loss. Traumatic experiences traverse culture, ethnicity, socioeconomic class, religion, and region. No one is exempt.In the midst of such psychological despair, there is a sense of grief that cannot be explained or described or captured or contained.

The Center for Loss and Trauma is one place where compassionate psychotherapy, counseling, and research can occur, as well as the bridging of vitally important supportive resources to help families in need. Located in North Phoenix, this unique center specializes in providing services to those affected by traumatic experiences, death, grief, and various types of loss. The Center for Loss and Trauma also serves military families, those coping with the death of a child, bereaved families, those affected by natural and mass disasters, victims of crime, families going through divorce or separation, and those suffering reproductive losses.

The mission of center is to C.A.R.E. for the most vulnerable members of society by providing highly specialized, expert counseling to those affected by traumatic loss; advocatingwith others so they may find hope, healing, and happiness in the aftermath of trauma; providing a place where compassionate research can occur; and educating individuals and society at large about the experiences of the bereaved. Dr. Joanne Cacciatore, LMSW and CEO, is a researcher and an expert family and individual therapist in the field of traumatic death and bereavement. James Jones, LMSW, is a Vietnam veteran and specialist in PTSD. Kathy Crowley, LCSW, has extensive experience working with individuals with chronic illness, abuse, and family stress.

The Center for Loss and Trauma also houses the MISS Foundation, a non-profit family bereavement organization, which offers free services to bereaved parents and siblings.Psychotherapy is provided on a sliding scale basis to those in need.

Dr. Cacciatore passionately explains, “Society’s only appropriate response is offer unconditional support and compassionate care so that one day, having been upheld and cared for, those who have suffered from such trauma can reach out their hand to help another. It is the only way to truly heal."

For more information or to schedule an appointment at The Center for Loss and Trauma, please call 623.979.1000 or visit us online at http://www.centerforlossandtrauma.com. For information on the MISS Foundation’s services, please visithttp://www.missfoundation.org and the MISS Foundation’sPSA can be found at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qeHZuuohm-4.

Center for Loss and Trauma - MISS Press Release

2009-11-14T12:34:00.001-06:00

Survivors of Suicide, November 21, 2009

2009-11-10T16:54:00.006-06:00

Image via Wikipedia

I follow some blogs.

Many relate to grief, parental loss, the struggle of everyday life, parenting, art, cooking and crafts.

I love to read what my friends share with me. This is taken from my dearest friend Kara, Kota's mom.

Suicide leaves a lot of unanswered questions inside the loved ones of the person that couldn't take his/her pain anymore and decided to end it. I am not talking about ending his/her life, I believe that those that attempt suicide just want their internal pain to stop, one way or another.

I am a survivor of suicide. A dear family member killed himself when I was 11 years old. Obviously, the fact that he had died by his own hands was kept from me until I was 18 years old. That was when my world shattered for the first time. I loved him dearly and I know he loved us more than life itself, so you can imagine that I couldn't comprehend why he killed himself. It took me a lot of grief work (repressed for 7 years) and a lot of therapy to make my brain understand the why's and to let my heart forgive him and the rest of the family for his death.

If you or anyone you know are survivors of suicide loss, please take into account the following information:

On Saturday, November 21, 2009, simultaneous conferences for survivors of suicide loss will take place throughout the U.S. and internationally. This unique network of healing conferences helps survivors connect with others who have survived the tragedy of suicide loss, and express and understand the powerful emotions they experience.

Each conference site is organized locally, but they’re all connected in spirit as participants across the globe watch a special 90-minuteAFSP broadcast together on that day. In the U.S., conference sites will show the broadcast together from 1-2:30 p.m. Eastern Standard Time and international sites will show it from 1-2:30 p.m. local time. Many conference sites plan their own local programs around the broadcast, including panels and breakout groups, all aimed at helping survivors heal.

For those survivors of suicide loss who don't live near a conference site or who find it difficult to attend in person, the 90-minute broadcast will also be available live on the AFSP website from 1-2:30 pm, Eastern Standard Time, with a live online chat immediately following the program. It will then be saved on the website so that survivors can watch it again throughout the year at anytime. For more information see the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention:
http://www.afsp.org

Butterflies & Dragonflies

2009-11-03T08:59:00.003-06:00

Image via Wikipedia

The tragedy of child death leaves the family in a profound chaos.

It doesn't matter the age of the child at the time of death or the cause of death. Each family member has to work hard to redefine him or herself, to find their new role within the family and to find a way to survive.

Little by little, as the first months go by and the emotional anesthesia draws away, the bereaved parents search for new ways to reconnect with their dead child... maybe because they are not ready to say good bye, maybe because love trascends death.

Paraphrasing Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, death is the final liberation from the cocoon, the butterfly is free to open its wings and fly away.

It is curious how bereaved parents, from different cultures and from different parts of the world, identify the presence of butterflies - and in some cases, of dragonflies - as special visits from their dead child.

I know that for many strain from the subculture of parental bereavement, this idea is completely deranged, but who are we to judge how a parent copes with the death of their beloved child?

Wouldn't it be more compassionate not to judge and appreciate the beauty that nature offers?

Every time you see a butterfly near you, with its beautiful colors, imagine that someone who is not physical presence is saying hi.

When you see a dragonfly, with its transparent wings and its color body, flying erratic nearby, think of a kiss someone special is sending you from above.

Open your heart and close your mind for a bit... remember: love is stronger than death.

October 15th - Infant and Child Death Awareness Day

2009-10-13T10:00:00.005-05:00

There is no greatest tragedy than the death of a child.

The terrible reality of child death is one that many families experience everyday. It does not matter the circumstances of death and the age the child had at time of death.

That family is facing the horror of burying their child. We are used to believe that our children are supposed to survive us, not the other way around.

My older children died before their time. For a long time I believed that I was alone in my grief. Those close to me, turned their eyes away at the sight of my tears. My world had stopped, why everyone wanted me to move on?

One sleepless night, while surfing the Web, I found the most compassionate woman I have ever met: Dr. Joanne Cacciatore. She grant me permission to translate some of her writings. That is how I came in touch with The MISS Foundation.

I have been given the opportunity to reach out and give back the support I received back then, in my early grief.

I have been a MISS Volunteer for the past 11 years of my life. I found my MISSion: I am the voice of those three little babies that died before their time.

I am thankful to all those families that have allowed me to walk with them through their grief journey. I am honored to share their most intimate feelings and thoughts. I am honored to meet their children through their loving parents' eyes.

I am thankful for the MISS Foundation for letting me give back. I am thankful for the wonderful people I've met, my dear friends Kara, Janice, Debbie, Lissy, Wendy, Kerrie, Tracy, Lorri, Rhonda, Karin, Sinead, Tazzy, Vicki, Sharon, Shanon, Kelli, Anna, Michele, and so many others.

I am thankful to Dr. Cacciatore, for having the strength to reach out after tragedy stoke her hard.

I am thankful for Chey, for sharing her special mom with the rest of the world.

MISS-ing Ingredients Cookbook deadline extended

2009-10-08T14:12:00.003-05:00

GREAT NEWS: The MISSing Ingredients Cookbook Deadline Extended

MISSing Ingredients: A Re-member-ing Cookbook

MISS is creating a hard cover re-member-ing cookbook, and we need your

recipes and memories/dedications in honor of your children to be a part of this publication.

The original deadline has been extended. We don’t know for exactly how long as we have secret celebrities who have also agreed to participate. We are excited to report that these special celebrities who are sharing their recipes and dedications AND we also have additional sponsors, which allows us to make a bigger and better cookbook!

100% of the proceeds to benefit MISS!

For those of you who have already submitted your recipes and dedications in the last couple of weeks, THANK YOU!!

And for those of you who submitted your recipes a few years ago, send me an email. I did receive a list of those recipes, but I want to be sure that I have yours.

Take a look at the MISSing Ingredients Cookbook Cover designed by Kara Jones,http://motherhenna.com/miss_cookbook_cover.html

There is NO FEE to submit your recipe and memory!!

Recipe Submission Instructions:

1. Visit http://www.fundcraft.com

2. Enter WEB ID: 13500-09VA

(a password is not required)

3. Click on "Short/cut Online"

4. Select (2) in drop down for # of parts in multi-part recipe

5. Select menu category from drop down

6. Enter Recipe Title

7. Enter Ingredients

8. Enter Recipe directions in Method section

9. Title your Memory in the Part 2 Subheading

10. Skip Ingredients section of Part 2

11. Enter your dedication in the second Method section

12. Hit Submit

***YOU WILL NOT RECEIVE A CONFIRMATION THAT YOUR RECIPE HAS BEEN SUCCESSFULLY RECEIVED****

(the software isn’t designed to provide a confirmation, if you have a question as to whether your recipe was received email:Kathy.sandler@missfoundation.org)

Frustrated, confused, it just doesn't make sense???? Email your recipe and

memory to: kathy.sandler@missfoundation.org

You can PRE-ORDER your copies now! Cookbooks will be mailed directly to you!

Visit the MISS Store at: http://www.missfoundation.org/miss_shop/catalog.html?&Vl=1&Tp=2

Cost of cookbook: $15/copy + $5 s/h

(100% proceeds to benefit MISS Foundation)

For additional information and downloadable PDF flyer here:

http://missfoundation.org/events/Events_2009CookbookFlyerWithInstructions.pdf

Busy blogging

2009-10-05T18:00:00.004-05:00

Image via Wikipedia

I haven't been here to write lately.

The school I work for is getting ready for the case the AH1N1 virus hits hard again and has all of its teachers blogging.

We are blogging about the subjects we teach. I have been busy transferring my teaching notes into those blogs my students have access to.

In fact, last Friday and today, my students presented exams after studying the contents of my subject in my blog.

Honestly, I have enjoyed some of it, but I've missed being here and blogging about something and nothing in particular, instead of writing about what I am supposed to teach in a classroom.

So I hope I'll have more time and share with you some of my past experiences, because this is more personal and honest than writing about school subjects, don't you think so?

Refreshed

2009-09-29T17:05:00.005-05:00

Image by paul.derry via Flickr

Dh and I spent a weekend away. The kids spent that time with my parents and apparently they had a blast.

It was so difficult for us not to talk about the kids while away, trying to relax. We are so used to talk about the children that we forget to share our thoughts with each other.

Daily routine takes over our lives. We hardly have time to check with ourselves, that we forget to check with our partners.

We enjoyed our time together immensly.

We ate out, enjoyed each other's company, but always with that shadow that indicated that someone is missing: our kids.

We are back now, and at least I, feel refreshed. I needed a break from school, homeworks and daily obligations to face them with love and energy.

Thanks dearest husband for taking me away for a few days.

I love you dearly.

Generation Next?

2009-09-21T11:39:00.004-05:00

Image by Feuillu via Flickr

After the first subject I taught today, my students had a lecture with some guys from "Emprende México".

I was hoping I was going to be able to get off as soon as the lecture started, but the principal's assistant said that I had to stay with my girls for the length of my class.

I stayed, thinking to myself what a waste of time it was, and thinking of all the things I could be doing instead.

I stood up at the back at the class as these guys began their presentation. I suddenly realized that I had taken a seat and that they had a lot to say. And that what they were saying was quite interesting.

They were trying to motivate my students to become their better selves, no matter what they choose to do after finishing high school. The key word here is "choose".

Then, the speaker began telling them what sociologist named their generation.

This is where I took the title for today's reflexion.

This generation is called "generation next". Why?

Because nothing that they have or do is good enough. They are waiting for the next thing, the next job, the next relationship to be better. They are not willing to work hard on what they have to make it better. They are not willing to take care of their property, because they hope that the next one will be better. Not best, just better.

I was astounded of what I was listening. And surprised myself when I noticed myself nodding.

During my ride home, I was thinking: is this why there are so many divorces around? Because they are waiting for the next partner to be better, not even the one?

What are we teaching our teenagers? Are we teaching them that people are not things? That relationships are worth the effort?

Are we setting an example? In which way?

It is cold!

2009-09-17T12:32:00.003-05:00

Image by AlmazUK via Flickr

We are only in the middle of September, and the temperatures are dropping by the minute.

We've had a lot of rain since the beginning of the month, which is OK because we were not getting enough water, but since the rain began, summer ended.

As in the rest of the world, we are expecting a resurge of the AH1N1 virus to join the already dangerous seasonal flu virus.

The kids go to school so early in the morning that I feel sorry for them. I hate them leaving when it is still dark and when is so cold as today. I hope they don't get sick. It breaks my heart to see them feeling miserable.

Lets hope that the temperature rises a little bit before fall begins. If it doesn't, we may have a horrid winter.

The difference

2009-09-14T16:43:00.003-05:00

Image via Wikipedia

Have you ever wondered why some countries have excellent education and others don't?

I believe that a very important part of the teaching process are the teachers.

I know that good students will do great wherever they are.

The difference between a good teacher and a bad teacher in a school setting is palpable. A good teacher will make his/her students become their better self. A bad teacher will not inspire his/her students to soar. They will just be happy to pass the subject and forget about it.

I have been a teacher for almost 19 years of my life. I have been teaching High School, Law School and Law in a Master's Program all those years.

In my Country, teachers do not make a lot of money. It is mainly the gratification to be able to share one's knowledge with others and what we learn from our students what matters.

Today, I got my first paycheck. It is an embarrassment for all paychecks.

I knew the money was not going to be much. But I feel insulted, having a Masters Degree, to get paid so little, less that $200.00 USD a month.

I spend 8 hours per week with my students. But for every hour I teach, I have to work a couple of hours at home.

Just a rant...

Love and Marriage

2009-09-13T15:26:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, a dear friend of mine got married.

We weren't able to attend, but I was there in spirit, be sure of that.

This beautiful lady - inside and out - is full of love. The love she has for her children is palpable. The love she feels for her second daughter, Cheyenne, made her reach out to others through her grief and founded The MISS Foundation.

I am honored to know her five children. I am honored to know her. I am honored to call her friend. She is like a sister to me.

I know that D will make her happy. Who wouldn't be happy spending the rest of his life with such a caring, loving, compassionate lady?

Dearest Jo, may you and D find in each other your soul partner, may your lives be full of love and happiness. I love you dearly.

September 11

2009-09-11T14:02:00.002-05:00

Image via Wikipedia

I think anyone who witnessed the attacks to the World Trade Center Towers in New York City will never forget.

We were at home, getting ready for our days. Our baby boy was a few months old and he was playing in his floor mat. I was already bathed and dressed. My dh was taking a shower. And we had the tv on.

At first, we saw fire on the tower. I was watching the news as they showed the second plane hitting the tower. I told my husband and he said that it was probably an accident. I believe we all thought that at first.

The truth was too horrible to be true.

I had support group meeting at 9:00am. So baby boy and I left. We continued to watch the tragedy on a tv that was on at the cafeteria we held our meeting.

The world we knew will never the same from that day forward.

Today, I hold those that lost family and friends on the attacks close to my heart. May they find the comfort and strength to live without the physical presence of their loved ones.

The MISS Foundation announces...

2009-09-10T12:33:00.003-05:00

ANNOUNCING!

Calling all MISS parents, grandparents, siblings, and friends! Two new MISS Fundraisers are about to be launched, and we invite you to participate and please send this email to others and post it so that others may also participate!

First up:

MISSing Ingredients: A Re-member-ing Cookbook

MISS is creating a hard cover re-member-ing cookbook, and we need your
recipes and memories to be a part of this publication. The first 200
recipes and memories entered will be published.

Deadline for all submissions Monday, October 5, 2009,
unless the 200 maximum is reached prior to that date.

There is NO FEE to submit your recipe and memory!!

Recipe Submission Instructions:

1. Visit http://www.fundcraft.com
2. Enter WEB ID: 13500-09VA
(a password is not required)
3. Click on "Short/cut Online"
4. Select (2) in drop down for # of parts in multi-part recipe
5. Select menu category from drop down
6. Enter Recipe Title
7. Enter Ingredients
8. Enter Recipe directions in Method section
9. Title your Memory in the Part 2 Subheading
10. Skip Ingredients section of Part 2
11. Enter your dedication in the second Method section

Frustrated, confused, it just doesn't make sense???? Email your recipe and
memory to: kathy.sandler@missfoundation.org

The cookbook will be available for purchase and delivery in December, 2009, just in
time for holiday gift giving.

You can PRE-ORDER your copies now! Cookbooks will be mailed directly to you!
Visit the MISS Store at: http://missfoundation.org/miss_shop/index.html
Cost of cookbook: $15/copy + $5 s/h
(100% proceeds to benefit MISS Foundation)

For additional information and downloadable PDF flyer here:
http://missfoundation.org/events/Events_2009CookbookFlyerWithInstructions.pdf

Second up:

heARTwork for the Holidays- Home Art Fundraiser

MISS, in partnership with http://www.KidsKreations.us, is hosting a
heARTwork Home Art Fundraising campaign. Your heART creations are
transferred onto items like notebooks, coffee mugs, aprons, ornaments,
pillows, tote bags, laptop stickers and more. MISS receives 35% of
proceeds.

You create art on an 8 1/2 x 11 sheet of paper, send heART and product order
form and check made out ot the MISS Foundation to either your support group
facilitator or to Kids Kreations by Friday, October 26, 2009. Your art will
beautifully transformed into a forever keepsake.

- Just is time for the holidays-

We invite both children and adults to explore one of the following themes:
Love
heART
Hope
What does your life look like now?
(new normal since the death of your child)
When I think of you...

Or... make a keepsake from your beloved child's footprint or handprint
(must be scanned and saved on disc as a graphic file like a jpg)

You can make artwork on your own or host a heArtwork night for your entire
MISS chapter.

All art and order forms must be submitted by Friday, October 23, 2009.

AND we are offering a challenge to each of our MISS chapters: The chapter
that sells the most heARTwork items will win credit towards scholarships to
the 2010 MISS Foundation Conference.

Have questions?? Call or email Kathy at 480-861-7511 or
Kathy.sandler@missfoundation.org

For additional information please download full information flyer here:
http://missfoundation.org/events/Events_2009MISSArtFundraiserFlyer.pdf

From my Life Quote of the Day Gadget

2009-09-07T12:01:00.006-05:00

Image by loswl via Flickr

People living deeply have no fear of death ~Anais Nin

Are you afraid of death?

What are you afraid of? Your own death or the death of a loved one?

I can honestly say that before my children died, I was terrified of my own death. I was scared of what would happen in the after life.

My perception of my own mortality changed with the tragedy of loosing my own children. I remember in my early grief wishing to go to sleep and never wake up. I wanted to die, not only to stop the horrible pain I was experiencing, but to join them, wherever they are.

I lost the fear of dying. What better gift to be reunited with those babies for ever?

The question arose: Was I absolutely sure I would join them?

That, among other considerations, stopped me for killing myself.

I knew then, that I had to make the most of the time I had left on this Earth in order to hug my children one more time, forever.

I have to life to the fullest. Making every second count. Being their voice in this life. In short: making them proud.

I do fear the death of those I love, but I have learned that I have no control over what may come.

I fear the pain, but I do not fear my grief, who has become a dear friend of mine.

What my children in heaven have taught me is to embrace life -with its happiness and its deep sorrow-, always to say "I love you" to those I love. To enjoy the sunrises and the sunsets I have the chance to witness. No matter what others might think, hug and kiss those I love.

Lets talk food!

2009-09-04T14:44:00.004-05:00

Image by jlastras via Flickr

I want to share with you the meal I fixed for my family today:

Ingredients:

1 lb alubias (Spanish white beans)
1 lb pork meat
1 lb beef meat
1 lb chicken meat
1/2 lb chorizo
1/2 lb cured ham (if you get hold of serrano ham, it is much better)
1 onion
1 pinch of saffron (the Spanish spice you use to make paella)
3-4 cloves of garlic
pepper corns
enough water

1 big onion, diced
2-3 cloves or garlic, minced
cilantro leaves, shredded
salt and pepper
olive oil
corn tortillas, heated

1. Clean and soak the alubias overnight in cold water
2. In a BIG pot, throw the rest of the ingredients and cover them with cold water. DO NOT add salt, because the ham and the chorizo are salty.
3. Heat and simmer for approximately 4 - 6 hours
4. When the meats are fork tender, take them out of the broth and let them cool down
5. Put the alubias in the broth and cook until tender.
6. Meanwhile, shred or cut the meat into fine strips.
7. In a pan, heat the olive oil, saute the onions until tender, add the garlic and the meat.
8 Add the cilantro leaves, and add salt and pepper to taste.

Serve the alubia soup as a first course and then serve the meat and the tortillas and watch your family enjoy your fabulous meal!

Meaning

2009-09-02T17:28:00.007-05:00

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Today I had the opportunity to withdraw from reality and the stress of daily life for a couple of hours and attend a spiritual retreat.

After Mass and before the Blessed Sacrament we had two meditations preached by a priest and by a female teacher.

She was talking about how many people live depressed and question their value as human beings and the meaning of their lives.

I am quite sure that all men and women, no matter their time and place, have asked what is the meaning of their lives.

How many times have you thought that your life is meaningless and that you have no importance at all? I know I have done it many times.

But, have you ever considered that you are so valuable, so precious, that Jesus loves you so deeply, that He gave his life for you? Yes, YOU!

He knows your heart to the core, He knows your defects and your virtues, He can see the depths of your soul... and still He loves you to death, literally!

No matter the creatives ways we use to ignore Him, He is always watching, waiting for us to open our hearts to Him. He is patient, He knows no time, He waits and waits, until one day, we turn our face towards Him and decide to open our hearts and souls to the only one that loves us unconditionally, in spite of ourselves.

Are you ready to let Him in?

September

2009-09-01T09:32:00.003-05:00

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Today is the first day of September.

Twelve yeas ago, I had been on bedrest for more than a couple of months. I was pregnant with our second child: a girl. As her brother died less than 6 months earlier, the dr decided that I was to be bed bound and taking a zillion hormones to help this little one grow.

I did all that the dr ordered. We were so looking forward to finally having a baby in our home.

But it didn't happen. At the end of August I began feeling "different". I called my dr and he said that I should not worry, that everything was OK. I finally got him to check on us on September 3rd.

I remember that day as if it was yesterday: lying on his stretcher, having an ultrasound done on my belly. Watching that beautiful baby, perfectly formed, completely immobile. I was in awe by her features. I didn't know I was supposed to watch her heart beating.

The dr told me to get dressed and that he would be in his office, ready to talk to us.

His words crashed our world for a second time: our baby was dead. As I write this, my chest gets tight and my breathing shallow.

Our beautiful baby girl was dead, I would never get the chance to hold her, to look into her eyes, to tell her I love her more than life itself.

Arrangements were made for me to get the hospital. I still get goose bumps as I felt my body betray me once again. I was my daughter's casket. I couldn't handle it anymore.

I could write a book on that horrible experience, minute by minute.

The fact is that I survived, we survived.

It was a couple of years later that I decided to be her voice, her siblings' voice. Their short lives matter. Their untimely deaths would impact the world we live in, one way or another.

I have to make sure I am able to hold them one day, I have to be my best self to get where they are: happy, loved and knowing no harm or pain.

Dearest Jo, until we meet again... Love, mommy

My new home office

2009-08-31T13:59:00.006-05:00

Image by [ r ♥ c e y t ♥ y ] {I br♥ke for bokeh} via Flickr

We've been home a couple of weeks now.

The internet is finally working properly, although our electricity is not. I hope the technician will finally have the time to come here and fix it.

I devoted myself to get the kids' new school material ready and to prepare my lessons. Last week, I finally decided it was time to move my stuff out of my husband's now desk to my new home office.

I now have a place of my own. Well, sort of. My new home office is at the beginning of our new family room/homework space/ mom's place. I moved my books before the summer holidays and finally got a beautiful 1950's desk. I love it!

It has lots of little drawers and some big ones too. It has room for me to keep safe all my little trinkets and my papers. On top of it, I placed a small bookshelf that now contains some of my most priced books: books about bereavement and law books. On top, I placed my binders, which contains my past lessons, the notes I took while studying my Masters Degree and my MISS presentations. I even got a little space in which I have some VCR tapes about bereavement.

During the mornings, I have gorgeous sun light that enters through our glass doors and even on the evenings, when the kids are here, I get some peace to work on my computer and log on to the MISS Foundation Online Support Groups.

I want to thank my dear dh for all the hard work he put into our home remodeling. And for giving me the beautiful desk I wanted so much.

I want to thank my parents for pestering me all those years to make me value the company of a good book and for making me learn a second language.

I want to thank God for giving me the gift of brain power.

Electricity and the Internet

2009-08-24T14:27:00.003-05:00

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We have been having electric problems at home for the last month or so.

No electricity at all where the internet modem was installed.

We have been trying everything in our power to make things work, but still, no internet connection.

We are so used to things working properly, that we forget how things used to be before the technology was available.

Usually, when I have a problem with my internet service provider, I just make a call, and in a few hours, the connection is working again. Now, who do I call when the problem is that our house was built in the 1950's and the cables are old?

I know the answer: the electrician. I promise we have already done that, but this trustworthy guy has a job in another city and has to finish it before coming here and pulling out the old, very old cables and install new ones.

So, please keep us in your thoughts. I hope we have our house up to date regarding the electric installation, so my internet service is back.

I am back!

2009-08-02T19:53:00.002-05:00

After a couple of weeks of absence, I decided to come back and share with you some of my thoughts.

Summer is a crazy time for me and my family. We are apart: me and the kids and dh back home.

I miss him terribly when this our reality, but I see my kids personalities blossom beautifully. They get to experience the freedom and the safety that our Country does not offer currently. They are relaxed and happy.

I am much more relaxed than I used to be. For one, my kids are older and much more easy to handle. I am more confident as a mother, which helps a BIG deal. I have more time for myself, which is simply great!

I began exercising again. I was a classical ballet dancer for many years and was used to hard work. Then I injured both my feet and knees, so stop. It has been nearly 10 years since I did some kind of physical activity. I've gained 15 kilos since then and my body has changed dramatically.

I haven't recovered my old body (well, I am almost 40), but I feel better and dropped one pants size already. I don't want to be my usual fit self (I am not 18 anymore), but I want to be in better shape.

On an unrelated subject, have you ever noticed that when you are not in front of your computer, many topics come to your mind? I am always inspired in the shower on what to share with you all. The car is a great place for me to think and be with myself. But every time I turn on my computer, I am clueless. I am blaming the heat here, but still, I have been off the blogging world.

I have less than two weeks more of summer vacations before we return to our "normal life". I expect to become a regular blogger then.

Random thoughts

2009-07-21T17:26:00.002-05:00

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I haven't been here for over a week.

I've been busy with the kids and exercising once again. Not much, but I definitely have to loose some weight.

On Wednesday, baby boy and I went to watch Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. We agreed we would do to the first show, as soon as it was released. We enjoyed it a lot.

The thing is that I am a BIG Harry Potter fan and was quite disappointed by the movie. I liked it, don't get me wrong, but the book is soooo good, that the movie didn't come close. They left so many things out, that to me, were really important. They made up things that needn't to be part of the story. What the hell was all that Borrow fire about?

Anyway, we went again with the girls and they decided that the trailer was much better than the movie.

On Thursday we drove to stay with my younger brother and his family for the weekend. We had a blast!

We were relaxed and did a million things, considering that we were with five children: my three kids - 8, 7 & 6 and his two babies - 3 years & 18 months old.

Our parents arrived Friday and we hanged out, went to Schlitterbaun, ate great food - courtesy of my bro and went swimming.

My brother and SIL invited baby boy to stay with them for a week and he was very excited to be the big boy and take care of his little cousins.

The girls, mom and I arrived home on Sunday night. We've been busy.

And today, my big girl woke up sick. It is horrible to see her feeling lousy, with fever. She began taking meds in the afternoon and I hope she gets better asap.

Me, the seasonal single mom

2009-07-12T19:29:00.003-05:00

Image by _setev via Flickr

I am very lucky to have been married for nearly 13 years.

As all marriages, we have had our good, our bad and our worst moments, but mainly it has been a great decision to share our lives with each other.

We got married believing firmly that we were meant to be with each other for the rest of our lives. We have tried to fulfill such believe.

Five years ago, we bought a second home in another Country. We bought it knowing that we would be spending here as much time as we could, giving our children the possibility to experience, first hand, the way of life of other people, to broaden their horizons, to learn a new language.

At the begining, it was very difficult for me to be with three children under the age of 4 by myself for long periods of time. My mom came and my dh tried to spend more time with us.

Now that our children are 8, 7 and 6 years old, things are easier for me as a mom. But it is begining to be difficult for me as a wife to see my husband come for a weekend every two weeks and leave again.

I know that he has to work hard. His job and his expertise at it, is what allows us to have the life style we have. I don't earn a penny, no matter if I teach or not, my salary is an embarrassment to all salaries. I know that his job is only possible in our Country and that is why he has to go back... but still, it is hard not to be with him.

Don't get me wrong, it is not only the intimacy thing here. When we are at home, he is dad and I am mom and we do our best to raise the kids. He goes to work early in the morning and comes back to have lunch with us and then gets back at night. I get up early, very early. Get the kids ready for school, drive them and then all the things we SAHM do. I also do my volunteer work at home. I go to pick up the kids, drive home for lunch, help them with their homework, oversee their computer time, their TV time, their Wii time, see they eat well, get them to bed and wait for my dh to arrive home.

While we are here though, things are different. We have a routine when dh is not here: we get up, eat breakfast, the kids help me with their beds and dirty laundry, drive the kids to daycamp, get back, get lunch started, do some housework, go pick the kids back, get home, have a late lunch - early dinner, see that they get a shower at least, watch some TV together, do some summer homework, go to bed.

When my husband comes home it is like Christmas in July: no routine, no order, no helping with house chores, unmade beds, eating outside, going very late to bed, toys everywhere.

It is not that I am complaining about the mess, I am grateful for the kids' mess. I am grateful that he comes for a weekend.

Still, this is not the way I like my life to be. I am a summer single mom and I don't like it at all. I want my family together, everyday.

I know we made this choice together, but it is hard not to be together.

Life's firsts

2009-07-10T11:53:00.004-05:00

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While taking a shower this morning, I began to remember some of my firsts in life. Those that made me who I am today and from what I have learned so much.

So I thought that I wanted to share some with you:

First time someone in my family died: I was 6 years old, it was my father's grandfather and I remember a lot about him.

First book: Little Women, between 6 and 7

First time I traveled by myself: I was 7. I went to Chicago to spend time with my dear aunt Mary and my dear uncle Dick.

First time I was crushed by death: At 11, when my dad's dad died.

First time I taught: I was 10 and I taught a ballet lesson to younger girls... That was fun!

First time I hated someone: I don't remember the exact age I was - maybe 5 or 6. My mom was crying into the phone, she was talking to her mom, who always made her cry. I hated my grandmother so much for hurting my mom I wanted to slap her hard.

First time I was kissed: I was 14, he was my first "boyfriend". He was the oldest brother of one of my friends. I was so confused by all my mixed emotions, that I broke up with him the next day.

First surgery: The one that I remember was when I had my wisdom teeth removed at 15. My first one was at 3 months old.

First time I fell in love: I was 15, he was 5 years older than me. I was head over heels for him. We broke up 5 years later.

First time I knew who I was: I was in Cuba for ballet training, I was 16 and I was on my own for 1.5 months. I learned so much about myself and the values I hold dear.

First time I defied my parents: I was 20 and they grounded my baby brother. I decided to pay for his trip and take the consequences.

First time I failed a class: I was in 5th semester of Law School - 20 or 21 - and I failed "History of Medieval and Modern Law". I swore my parents would kick me out of the house, but instead, they just smiled and said "welcome to normality".

First time I was really proud of myself: when I presented my bar exam and defended my thesis.

First time I knew I had found the "one": I was 24 and my mom's mother died. My then boyfriend stood up by my side all the way. He helped me handle the horrible funeral arrangements for her.

First home: a tiny apartment dh and I lived in when first married.

First death I witnessed: My beloved dad's mom died and I was honored to be by her side.

First time I wanted to die: when my oldest son died.

First time I considered suicide: when my second daughter died.

First time I knew I would survive: It was late at night and I had an epiphany: I was the voice of those children that died before their time. If I wanted to see them again, I would have to be stronger and fulfill the mission I have on earth.

First book: I was 28. It is called "Introducción al estudio del Derecho Norteamericano"

First time I knew I would be happy again: When I held my son in my arms.

First time I reached out to others in grief: When I met Isabel through the internet.

Death in our lives

2009-07-05T17:42:00.007-05:00

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One way or another, death is always there. Like a monster in the closet, a shadow on the corner of our room, like an unexpected visitor, like a dear friend.

Its presence is felt differently depending our own fears about our own death and that loved one we fear might die.

If we are OK with the reality of our own mortality, death will come easier than to those who fear it.

But death, ultimately, is about the death of others. The effect it will have upon us depends on our attachment to them.

We are so used to listen about death that we don't notice the times the "d" word reaches our ears. All news programs refer to death at least once. Tragedy is present in every corner of our world and with the easiness that media gets to the facts and the way it gets to us, it is more present than ever.

Sometimes, when we are with our friends and family, someone will relate that someone's friend, cousin, brother, sister, aunt, nephew, niece, grandparent, parent, wife, husband or child died. It might cause an impact on us, but not the same way someone we love died.

That love we have for one another is what changes our views on death. When it reaches OUR friend, cousin, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, nephew, niece, grandparent, partner or child it devastates us in ways we never thought possible.

What matters in death, is the death of a person we love. It will break the relationship we have, the communication between us will get "disconnected", our life - as we knew it- will end.

Those of us who work with the bereaved, usually think about those left behind with death comes.

I can't fail to think - even to say a little prayer - for that parent, partner, child, relative or friend of that person that died.

Today, a dear friend of one of my cousins died. He was 39 and died of a massive heart attack. It has already made the news. But I just can think of those parents that have joined a club they never wanted to be a part of, of that young widow that is alone from now on to raise their children, of those children that will grow without the physical presence of their loving dad, of those friends that were so close to him, that will miss him dearly.

Tonight, my heart goes out to them and I just pray that they find the strength to find peace after the tragedy stroke hard.

The teadiousness of housework

2009-07-04T19:10:00.003-05:00

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Have you ever noticed that housework always goes amiss?

If you do it, no one will notice. But if you stop cleaning your house, just for one lousy day, everyone will realize how filthy it is.

Everyday the same list has to be crossed out: dishes, clothes, bathrooms, kitchen, bedrooms, dining room, living room, food, etc. Then, there is an extra list that pops out from time to time: windows, garage, closets, pantry, oven, fridge... You name it!

And we all have our own routine. I have tried different ways to do the same things everyday, but they are tedious, no matter how much I use a cleaner's new fragrance to change things a bit.

I think back to my mom's times. Those ladies used to have their houses clean, even though they didn't have the appliances we do have now. I grew up used to a clean house, a hot meal (three times a day), and washed and pressed clothes. I never thought of all the hard work my mom put into it, until I had to do it.

I haven't cleaned the house as I usually do. I have swipe and mopped the kitchen and the bathrooms. I have put the dishes into the dishwasher and taken them out promptly. I have loaded the washer and the dryer every day and then folded everyone's clothes after the buzz went off.

I haven't used the vacuum cleaner, cleaned the windows, tidy my kids' rooms or even attempted to press a single item of clothes.

I am on vacation and I am entitled to take a break!

I am also conscious that this is a break: I don't want my kids to get used to the dirty mess. I want them to learn to enjoy a clean, tidy environment so when they have their own place, they, at least, try to keep it as clean as possible. On the other hand : I cannot live permanently in the mess we are currently.

I am not a cleaning freak, I promise I am not. But I do believe that good habits begin early in life and somethings you just learn through your pores, and your nose.

Ah and one more tip before I forget: if someone does the cleaning for you, even once, please appreciate their hard work and say Thank You

Back to school

2009-07-03T12:39:00.003-05:00

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No, not yet. We are only on our first week of summer holidays!

I accepted to return to high school as a teacher next month. I'll be teaching Law and Sociology to a bunch of teenage girls for a year.

I am so excited! The last time I taught Law in high school was 13 years ago.

The program has changed and I have a lot of homework to do. I brought with me my books and the new stuff the school gave me. I have to study Sociology again to be able to teach.

I am thinking of buying a planner and some cute stuff, but again, I'll be teaching high school, not elementary school.

I'll keep you posted on how things are going. Working with teens keep you young and I really enjoy sharing their senior year with them.

My Sister's Keeper

2009-07-02T17:02:00.002-05:00

Image by lux2night via Flickr

Today in the morning, I finished reading My Sister´s Keeper by Jodi Picoult.

I bought this book yesterday, hoping to have an interesting story line while the kids swim all day long. I never thought I would be taking a wonderful plunge into a magnetic story.

Honestly, it took me awhile to understand her writing style. I had trouble understanding that the story was being told from the characters' point of view. Once I got hold of it, I was caught.

The ending is great and sooooo unexpected.

As you can imagine, I slept very little. I just couldn't put the book down.

Thanks Ms. Picoult for an intriguing, well written novel!

Now, I have to go to the bookstore and buy a new one.

Traveling anxiety

2009-06-28T03:57:00.004-05:00

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It is almost 4:00 am in my neck of the woods and obviously, I cannot sleep.

Every time we travel, I get in a funky mood.

It begins two days before the travel date. I run around our home trying to do a zillion things and not doing anything because I forget what I am supposed to do.

I write many, many list and I loose them, so I began writing again, just to forget what I was supposed to write down.

I check the kids' luggage, their vacation homework, my keys, my purse, my cell phone and still, I always have that dreadful feeling that I am forgetting something.

In approximately 12 hours we will be taking a plane to our vacation home and I can't wait!

It involves a lot of hard work on my behalf, mainly because for most of the time it will just be the kids and I, but their happy faces makes it all worth it.

They enjoy more freedom that they are used to. They are able to ride their bikes on the streets. They'll be swimming everyday and playing and just being kids.

And I will be enjoying my children the way I never get to during the school year, when we are always so busy, we almost don't have time to relax together.

OK, I think it is time for me to pack my laptop and cross out one more thing off my list. Good night!

Accomplishments

2009-06-25T08:19:00.004-05:00

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My dad's side of the family are all artists.

My great grandfather, Joseph Schreurs, was a Clarinet prodigy and artistic director of the Chicago Orchestra in the late 1800's.

My grandmother was a violin concertmaster. I remember growing up listening to her rehearsing over and over Vivaldi's Four Seasons.

My uncles and my aunt are all musicians. They are composers and singers and very talented.

Even though we, grandchildren, took violin lessons with grandma, I never got the hold of it and was, very gently, let go of my music lessons.

Last Tuesday, my beautiful 8 years old son, gave his first violin recital.

What amazes me is that he never touched a musical instrument before August. His new school is integral education oriented, and that includes arts.

He stood there, holding his violin, his hand perfectly positioned on the bow, so serious and concentrated, watching the crowd with no nervousness in his eyes and began playing. Simple and yet beautiful.

I am so proud of my son!

Six years

2009-06-23T15:35:00.007-05:00

On the 25th, my baby girl will turn six years old!

For those of you who are working on the math, yes: my girls are one year, and nine days apart.

Six years ago, I finally got the chance to hug my precious baby girl. She was not as tiny as her sister. She had big, brown eyes and a tiny nose.

Of all my children, this little, beautiful girl was the most difficult. I have always told her that if she had been the oldest, she would be an only child. I bet sometimes she wishes that was true!

She had a terrible temper and would go into a tantrum at the slightest motive. Little did we know that she was oversensitive to smells, noise, light and touch. Thank goodness that neurological condition was overgrown some years ago.

She was only 11 months old when she began forming complete sentences to express her needs, wants and feelings... Since then, that high pitched voice of hers is a constant sound in our home and I love to hear it!

She and I share a special connection: it only takes a look into each others eyes to know what the other wants. She would rather be with mommy than with daddy. In fact, she didn't like to be held by dad until she was over a year old.

Her temper has mellowed, but she is as determined and stubborn as her mom.

She is an artist. She paints beautifully and even has one of her pieces exhibited. She did it at 4!

She has a beautiful voice and loves to dance. Has a prolific imagination and loves to tell stories about the characters that live inside that little head of hers.

She is a girly girl: she loves to play with her dolls and to play dress up and watch princesses movies.

Again, the day after tomorrow, will be a day a celebration and joy in our home.

One more week to go...

2009-06-22T14:29:00.002-05:00

No matter the influenza virus and the changes in the school calendar, we are leaving for a month long vacation at the end of this week.

My kids have had a hard year at school. They have worked their way the best they can.

I, being a SAHM, studied first grade of elementary school with the two oldest as if my life depended on their grades.

I can see the tiredness in their eyes. Their effort to get up every morning.

I am very proud of them.

Lets hope that the week flies by, so we can finally are able to enjoy some quiet time as a family.

Pain & Suffering

2009-06-19T12:34:00.006-05:00

Image by spiderflux via Flickr

To suffer means to undergo, to be subjected to or to endure pain, distress, injury, disadvantage, loss or anything unpleasant.

Suffering in a reality for all human beings. We will all suffer one way or another, and if you believe that you haven't suffer, I have bad news for you: you will!

Another reality of human life is that no one knows how others are suffering. We can imagine it, we can relate to the pain of others, but we will never experience, first hand, others' pain.

Pain means physical suffering or distress; mental or emotional suffering or torment. As you can see, pain can be physical, emotional, psychological or spiritual. It may show in the face of the sufferer, or it will live in the deepest nooks of one's soul.

But not all that are in pain are suffering, have you notice that?

Many people are so used to pain, that they cannot even imagine a pain-free life. Pain is a reality in their lives and they may or may not suffer because of it.

Others, on the contrary, at the minimal pain, suffer to the extreme.

Is their pain different? Yes, but their perception about their pain is different as well. Accordingly, their attitude towards pain is different, so their suffering is as well.

Have you ever stop to think what makes you suffer?

Are you suffering because of the lack of financial security we are all struggling with?

Are you suffering because you hit your big toe on the bed leg?

Are you suffering because you are not finding meaning to your life?

Are you suffering because you are not able to buy that dress you wanted so much, or that car you envy, or the latest mobile phone?

Are you suffering because your spouse left, or is colder towards you, or indifferent?

Are you suffering because you or someone you love has lost their health?

Are you suffering because someone you loved died?

The first step is being honest with yourself and acknowledge the event responsible for your suffering.

Can you do something to change it? If you can, please do it.

If not, is there anyway you might possibly consider let yourself feel the pain?

When we embrace our pain, our suffering decreases significantly.

Revisiting my childhood

2009-06-17T17:54:00.003-05:00

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Some posts ago, I wrote that my daughter and I are sharing some books of my childhood. My favorite books then.

They were written by Enid Blyton and they are the "Malory Towers" series. They were written in the 1940's and even though many years have passed since then, human nature hasn't.

My parents gave them to me around my 8th birthday and I read and reread them until my teen years. There are many pictures of me with a book of the series in my hand.

Well, I reread the first one before my daughter last Monday. Today, I finished the fifth one.

I realize that those books are part of what I have become over the years. They are about a group of girls that attend boarding school at Malory Towers. Ms. Blyton wrote beautifully, yet, simply, about their personalities and how they evolved over the years.

I always admired Darrell Rivers and her friend Sally, the main characters of the series. But I also recognized some of Gwendoline Mary in me, and tried to change it. I used to be hard and judgmental as Alicia, I tried to soften that horrible aspect of me.

I am an avid reader and I really hope my kids learn to enjoy reading as much as I do. Since the day I discovered the wonder world contained in books, I have never felt alone or bored. Books have been loyal friends to me since childhood.

Do you have a favorite book from your childhood? Why not read it again and discover what you have in you from that early experience?

Thank you Ms. Blyton for helping me discover the wonderful world of written words!

Lack of compassion

2009-06-17T08:09:00.005-05:00

I had a meeting yesterday with some moms of my son's school.

We were having coffee and talking about nothing important when a someone asked who was leaving our school.

One lady began saying the names of the boys that were going away and she mentioned a boy whose brother died tragically almost 2 years ago. After that, she said that the boy was out of control and "impossible to deal with".

The gossip began: how? when? where? And someone loudly said: "he committed suicide". The faces changed immediately and again the questions began. Everyone had something to say.

I was sitting there, looking at them, not wanting to believe what I was hearing. How dare they say something like that!

I couldn't believe it! They were judging that family so lightly and with such authority and obviously my blood began to boil.

This family had to face one of life's tragedies: the death of a child. They are trying to survive. They are making adjustments to cope the best they can.

Of course this little boy is "impossible to deal with": he lost his older brother, the mom he knew before the tragedy, the dad he had before his brother died and the older siblings that spent more time with the one that died and witnessed the accident. He was trying to adjust to all these changes and was sent to a new school on top of everything else. Can you imagine being 8 years old and dealing with all this pain?

I tried to explain these facts to those ladies, but no, they were so involved in their gossip that didn't want to hear what I had to say.

I got up and left. I didn't want to be there anymore.

I deeply believe that there is no excuse for the lack of compassion, not whatsoever. Stupidity, ignorance, gossip, false pity are not excuses for me!

Seven years

2009-06-15T11:43:00.004-05:00

Tomorrow, my big girl will turn seven years old!

I can't believe how fast these past seven years have gone by. I still remember holding her for the first time. She was this tiny, fragile baby girl, with a head full of hair and a tiny nose.

She used to smile always and I remember the first time I heard her laugh: I knew, then and there, that I would never be sad while she was part of my life.

That beautiful happy baby girl has grown into an amazingly loving, caring and compassionate seven year old girl.

She learned to read and write when she was 5. Now we share the books of my childhood.

She always finds way to help others: her siblings, her dad and me.

She loves to swim, to cook, to play soccer and to draw.

She has many friends and is an excellent student.

Of course we have had our difficulties, but she has taught me more about forgiveness that I ever thought possible.

Tomorrow will be a day of happiness and celebration in our household. My precious girl turns 7 and I am blessed to be her mom.

It is official... one month to go

2009-06-15T09:01:00.003-05:00

Image via Wikipedia

As I said before, I am a BIG Harry Potter fan.

After the fiasco of changing the sixth installment of the Harry Potter movies from November to July, the magical date is approaching.

Just 30 days to go and see Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince movie!!!!!

My son is as excited as I am. We are planning to go to the first show on July 15. Then, we will decide if the girls are old enough to watch the movie on the big screen.

I can't wait!

Patience and time

2009-06-12T08:54:00.009-05:00

Image by Lawrence OP via Flickr

I finished my Masters Degree in Family Science 8 years ago, but never got my diploma.

Why? Because our baby boy was born 2 months before I finished school, we bought a bigger home, our girl was born 1 year and 40 days later and our baby girl was born 1 year and 9 days after her sister.

Our expenses grew astronomically. We didn't have the money to publish my dissertation and present the defense of what I wrote, even though it was written one year before I finished school.

Eight years later, I have a new dissertation director and she suggested that I added a new chapter to it. A whole chapter about compassion.

I have been reading all I can find about the subject and have found so many interesting ideas.

I am convinced that there is no excuse for the lack of compassion: stupidity and ignorance are not excuses for me.

Before my own children died, I was sure that compassion is the back bone of being human. I was so wrong.

Compassion is not taught in school and many children live in a compassion-free environment, so they don't know how to be compassionate.

Compassion requires discipline. Discipline requires patience. Patience requires time.

If we want to grow in compassion in our daily lives, we have to be able to have time to invest being compassionate.

Allow me to tell you a story: Mary meets Anne, they have been PTA members for years. Mary is in a hurry - as most people in the world - and asks Anne how is she. She replies that she is not OK. Mary, running to fit her life into her tight schedule, says "Great, good to see you" and leaves.

Have you ever been in such a situation? I bet you have. It doesn't matter if you acted like Mary or if you reacted like Anne.

If we truly want to be compassionate towards our fellow human beings, we have to have time to listen, to be present for them.

I am sure Mary had a zillion things to do, but were they as important as being fully present for Anne?

Maybe they were, but I believe that Mary should have listened to Anne. Just a direct look into the others eyes, an "I am sorry" and the promise to get together later and talk, would have made the difference in Anne's life... and in Mary's as well.

The next time you encounter someone who is suffering, please be present for them. Give them the time you have. Think what is urgent and what is important in life. You may not have 2 free hours to sit right there and then, but just five minutes, give your fullest attention to him or her. Listen with your heart and with your mind.

You'll be amazed by the experience!

Love v. Fear

2009-06-11T16:30:00.006-05:00

Image by anadah via Flickr

There is no fear in love, ...perfect love expels fear ~Henri Nouwen

I have been a volunteer for The MISS Foundation for 11 years now.

When I meet someone and they ask what I do and I explain that I work as a volunteer with families after the death of a child, no matter their age or the cause of death, a question always arises: "How can you do that every day?"

Honestly, I do what I do, first and foremost, to honor the memory of those three babies of mine that died before their time.

Second of all, I do it because I am honored to be allowed to walk with these wonderful people through their grief journey and to meet their children through their loving eyes.

I am always in awe to see, to hear and to read so much love, even through the most horrible, inexplicable and raw pain they are in.

They have had to bury their precious children, they have faced the most horrible tragedy a human being should experience: the death of a child.

Still their love shines through.

Once in a while the question comes: "would you change a thing in your life if you already knew the outcome?"

"No!" That is the answer they'll give.

Would you rather not knowing your child if you knew he/she would die? No.

It is worth the pain of loosing a child to death, just to be able to feel that undying, maternal love. It is worth the pain of burying one's child, just to have seen the look in his/her eyes.

And all the rawness of that terrible grief is worth, just to have gotten into one's child's embrace and hearing "I love you mom"

Because love is stronger than death.

Unlawful construction work.

2009-06-10T18:24:00.002-05:00

We - meaning my family and me - live in one of the largest, most polluted cities in the world.

Our country is facing mid-term elections in less than a month. Many of the licenses have been in limbo because those in power does not want to favor anyone right now.

Last night, a neighbor of ours - a big, important publishing company - began working on their site at 11:00pm. And I don't mean just working: they were hammering metal structures and doing all kind of hard, noisy construction work.

My husband and I tried to sleep the best we could. Finally, at 2:00am we decided to call the police. Nothing happen!!!!!! We called back at 3:30pm and the officer on the phone said that they sent a car to check and that they couldn't hear a noise.

I felt like screaming my lungs out to make them stop, but I realized that I might wake the kids.

At 5:00am, silence fell finally.

It is approximately 6:30pm now. Trust me, I am exhausted.

I am astounded on how rude people are to each other. Even though they are a big publishing company, they know that there are many families nearby. We need to sleep, to have some peace inside our homes.

I am also beyond angry with the lack of police response. I am sure they got some money to let them work. Corruption at its lowest!

I think it is time to go to bed. I am not able to put 2 + 2 together. Maybe I'll be able to get 5 hours sleep before the unlawful construction work begins. Good night everyone!

Platitudes v. Compassion

2009-06-09T15:52:00.007-05:00

I would rather feel compassion, that know the meaning of it ~St. Thomas of Aquinas

Käthe Kollwitz, Mothers

Have you heard the word platitude?

Platitude means "a flat, dull, or trite remark, especially one uttered as if it were fresh or profound"

I am sure, you'll have heard many, many of them in your life-time and I promise you've repeated them as well.

Do you think you haven't? Let me give you some examples of what I mean:

"You are young, you'll survive"
"You can have more children"
"At least you have other children"
"You should be grateful for your other children"
"He/she is in a better place"
"Better now than later"
"Everything happens for a reason"
"You must have done something terribly wrong"
"Be strong for your other children (husband, wife, father, mother, etc)"
"I know exactly how you feel, my dog died last week"
"God needed another angel"
"You are doing it great"

Do you get my point?

In my work as a volunteer within MISS, every once in a while, this subject arises with the force of a tsunami. I have heard hundreds of bereaved parents tell how these "innocent" comments hurt their broken hearts.

We've all have heard these"pieces of advice", but have we ever stopped to think what we are implying when we tell someone that is grieving these "words of comfort"?

Compassion, on the other hand, means "a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering". It implies a total immersion on the human condition, the willingness of setting one's presence in the midst of others' deep sorrow and suffering.

When facing the bereaved, we might fear the silence, their pain, their anguish and the anguish their suffering provokes inside us. We might feel the tears building inside of us when they start crying and sobbing. Our worse fear is that the same thing that has happen to them, happens to us.

At this precise moment, our "educated" selves begin saying all those platitudes we've heard over the years.

We have been raised as "problem solvers" and when someone is suffering, we want to "fix" them, to take away their pain.

Compassion is not something we learn in school. We have to accept that being compassionate is harder than we think it is. We need to go inside ourselves and decide that we are willing to walk, hand in hand, with that person that is suffering. We need to accept that we won't be able to take away their pain, but we can make their grief journey less lonely.

The next time you meet someone who is suffering, please, for once, try to be quiet. Let yourself be present at the moment, allow yourself to feel compassion. It is OK to suffer with and for another person... I am sure you'll receive more from that experience than what you think you are able to give to the one in pain.

Sharing

2009-06-08T11:17:00.003-05:00

I am a published author!

This is the cover of the second Law book I have written. Its name Introducción al Estudio del Derecho Familiar.

Yes, it is about Mexican Family Law. And yes, it also contains some Cannon Law. This little textbook is born out of the notes I wrote to teach a Family Law class for my students. It was never intended for lawyer, because most, if not all my students, are not lawyers.

I want to take a moment to thank each and everyone of those beautiful people I have had the honor to have in a classroom. I am nearing my 19 year as a teacher, so you can imagine I have had many, many students. Each of you have taught me more than I could have.

I also want to thank Rosa Ma. Porrúa, my editor, for all the hard work she put into our little book.

Forgiving

2009-06-06T15:18:00.004-05:00

I love to read my friends K's blog: Today I Vow.

Some posts ago, she suggested creating a personal, secret, silence ceremony of forgiveness for 5 minutes a day to free yourself from the burdens of anger.

Forgiving others is much, much easier than forgiving yourself. As a bereaved parent, I know a lot about guilt, emotion that is considered a "demon" in grief. I felt an overwhelming guilt after the death of my children, but long before that, I was already an expert on guilt.

Some weeks before my 25th birthday, I remember staying a weekend by myself at my parents' home. I needed to do some soul-searching and found out that the thing that bothered me a lot was feeling guilty over those misdeeds of my past and because I never asked for forgiveness to those I knew I hurt.

I gave myself to the task of getting the phone numbers of all of those I needed to ask for forgiveness: that little girl in kindergarten which I didn't let play with me, that boy I bullied in elementary school... well, you get the idea.

It took all I got back then to make each phone call. I was amazed by their graciousness and big hearts: all of them answered my call! I explained each one why I was calling, recalling the event in question and asking for their forgiveness because I knew better and I have hurt them.

I left the difficult calls for the end. It was almost November 19th, when I called an ex-boyfriend of mine. I remember him answering my call in a cold voice.

When I began explaining the reason of my call, he asked: "Why are you calling? Are you sick or something?"

I remember grinning to myself and reassuring him that I was OK, that I was not on drugs or drunk or anything, that I simply needed to talk to him and ask him to forgive me for all the bad moments, the fights, my lack of compassion towards those difficult times he was facing when we were together and the hurt I caused him during our relationship. He graciously said: "OK, I forgive you, but are you sure you are all right?"

I met him again on FB, some 15 plus years later, a few months ago. Apparently, he does not hold a grudge towards me. His forgiveness was the best gift he ever gave me, and for that I am grateful beyond words.

My point here is that even though it is very, very important to forgive those that have harmed us in any way, it is vital to learn to ask for forgiveness. We all know deep in our hearts whom we have hurt. Most of us hurt those we love without even thinking, but the damage is done.

I decided never to let 25 years of regrets burden my heart and soul. I try to apologize as soon as I know I hurt someone... sometimes it takes another person to let me know what I've done without meaning. Other times, my worse judge is me: I try to forgive me for my lack of compassion towards myself.

Asking for someone's forgiveness is as liberating as forgiving, why don't you give it a try?

My first post

2009-06-05T10:24:00.002-05:00

I am blessed to have many gifted friends. Some sing beautifully, some are successful business women, others are excellent moms. All of them are compassionate, caring and loving ladies that I am honored to meet and call friends. But some of them have a blog. I have been inspired by what they write and the way they share their experiences, their thoughts and their emotions.

The idea of having my own blog has been running around my crazy mind during months now. Finally, today, I decided to start blogging.

Let me introduce myself: I am a bereaved mom. My three older children died before their time. I have been blessed with three children on earth. They fill my life with joy and wonderment and so much love it is impossible to describe.

I am also a wife. I have been married for more than a decade to a wonderful, compassionate, loving and decent man. He is the love of my life. Even though I am not an easy person to live with, he has filled my life with laughter and understanding and more love than I can say. He stands by me all the way. I know he does not share all my ideas, but still, he loves me dearly.

I am a devoted Catholic. I was baptized shortly after birth. My parents never were very religious. I became closer to God later, first by reasoning His existence and His relationship with us, as His creatures. After the death of my children, and after many sleepless nights of soul-searching, I finally let Him inside my heart. We are friends and I work hard towards a better relationship with Him.

I am a lawyer and a teacher. These are my hobbies: to study (from my legal point of view) and to share with others what I have learned. Be sure to know that I have learned more from my students than they have learned from me.

I like to read and to write. Life and Death have always intrigued me. If you would take a look at my bookshelves, I am sure you would be amazed of the many topics I like to read, but ever since I was a teen, death has played an important part on those books I call my favorites.

The passion of my life is to reach out to others in grief. The reason I got up in my darkest hours and my lifeline has been The MISS Foundation. Eleven years ago, I was given the opportunity to give back some of the support I received in my early grief. I feel so honored to have met some wonderful people, I am grateful that they have shared their precious children with me and their most deepest feelings and emotions after the death of their children.

What will I write about? I have no idea... Maybe a little bit of this, a little bit of that.

Thoughts on life and death... and everything in between

Facing our demons: Children and Death

Happy birthday Jane!!!!

The real meaning of Mother's Day...

Why quit?

Position Statement of the MISS Foundation regarding "Pregnancy Loss" Campaigns

Position Statement of the MISS FoundationRegarding "Pregnancy Loss" Campaigns

Banned-books week?

Gratitude

The Death and Life of Charlie St. Cloud.

Summer readings

Haven't been around

Thirteen years

Christa Bowen (1975 - 2010)

Friendship

Memories...

Time goes on... and so does life

When in doubt...

Center for Loss and Trauma - MISS Press Release

Center for Loss and Trauma - MISS Press Release

Survivors of Suicide, November 21, 2009

Butterflies & Dragonflies

October 15th - Infant and Child Death Awareness Day

MISS-ing Ingredients Cookbook deadline extended

Busy blogging

Refreshed

Generation Next?

It is cold!

The difference

Love and Marriage

September 11

The MISS Foundation announces...

From my Life Quote of the Day Gadget

Lets talk food!

Meaning

September

My new home office

Electricity and the Internet

I am back!

Random thoughts

Me, the seasonal single mom

Life's firsts

Death in our lives

The teadiousness of housework

Back to school

My Sister's Keeper

Traveling anxiety

Accomplishments

Six years

One more week to go...

Pain & Suffering

Revisiting my childhood

Lack of compassion

Seven years

It is official... one month to go

Patience and time

Love v. Fear

Unlawful construction work.

Platitudes v. Compassion

Sharing

Forgiving

My first post

Position Statement of the MISS Foundation
Regarding "Pregnancy Loss" Campaigns